Jokes

[T Dog]

The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.  ;D

[Windigo]

Guy at work today: "Yeah, I used to be baker, I was making lots of dough, but not much money."

8)

[nas]

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY!!!"

and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel !

[tor01doc]

The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.  ;D

What are 3 English football teams with rude words in them?

1: Arsenal
2: Scun           thorpe
3: Manchester fuc     king United!

[T Dog]

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and,WHAM! There are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."
The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"
The trooper says, "No, even more important."
The chief replies, "It's the Governor, isn't it ?"
The trooper replies "No, even more important."
"It isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important," replies the trooper.
"Well, WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
8)

[T Dog]

Met my mate in the pub earlier.

He said, "Hey! I took up your suggestion. What do you think?"

I replied, "Nice bum mate but when I said you should cut the bottom off your jeans, I meant ..."  :o

[T Dog]

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
:-\

[Mr.Craig]

[T Dog]

I said to my mate, "I bought my dog a little coat with writing on the back."
He said, "Oh, what did it say?"
I replied, "Nothing, he's a dog."  8)

[T Dog]

Why did the hobbit turn his phone on silent?

He was Bored of the Rings  ;D

[T Dog]

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
:o

[T Dog]

My wife and I have been at odds lately.

I'm planning to get even later...  ;D

[T Dog]

Think i am going mad, i was walking home from the pub with a big juicy burger and kept seeing images of big bird, ernie and bert on the burger roll.

Then it hit me, they where just sesame seeds.  ;D

[T Dog]

Me: "umm, uh no.. I'll pass on the orgy. I really just want to buy a mobile phone."

Salesman, "I said 4G...."  8)

[T Dog]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“TWA!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome, The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.”
“What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get that showerty haircut?”  8) 8)