Jokes

[T Dog]

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that
if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice,
sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.

God is missing - and they think WE did it!"  ;D

[T Dog]

The boss called me into the office today and said "I'm sorry, but I don't think you're smart enough for this job."

"That's bullshower!" I yelled. "If you sack me, I'll tell everyone you have a small willy."

"Yeah, that's going to work!" she replied.  :o 8)

[nas]

This bloke needs the highest civilian award I reckon.

COMPLETE and FINISHED

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words.
 
In a recently held linguistic competition in London, England, attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure, was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
 
This is how it went.


The Question:



How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?



Some people say there is NO difference between the TWO.
 
The Answer:



“When you marry the RIGHT woman, you are COMPLETE.”


“When you marry the WRONG woman, you are FINISHED.”


“And when the RIGHT one catches you with the WRONG one, you are


COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

[T Dog]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
8)

[quinny88]

A man walks into a store to buy condoms.
When he gets to the counter the cashier asks, "Would you like a bag?"
The man replies, "No, she's not that ugly"

[nas]

I don’t know how many of you shop at Kmart, but this may be useful to knowI am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.This happened to me at Kmart in Qld and it could happen to you. Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Kmart.You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday and Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday morning!

[nas]

A little boy and his grandfather are sweeping up the leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I'll bet you five dollars you can't. Its too wriggly and limp to put it back in that little hole.” The little boy runs into the house and comes back with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until its as straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The boy says “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars” The grandfather replies, “I know. That's from your grandma”

[nas]

Two drunks visit a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and says to the girls.

"Get 2 inflatable dolls, these guys are too drunk to notice"

During the walk home one guy says to the other.

"I think my girl was dead, she never made a sound or moved"

The second guy says.

"Well I think mine was a witch"

"Why do you think that?" asked the first guy.

"Well I bit her on the arse, and then she flew out the window!!"

[Spite]

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that
if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice,
sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.

God is missing - and they think WE did it!"  ;D

LOVE IT!!!

[T Dog]

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
8)

[T Dog]

I went to hospital with a toilet brush up my clacker.
The doctor said, "How did this happen?"
I said, "Well I met this bird in a club, one thing led to another and we ended up back at mine..."
He said, "Into the kinky stuff was she?"
I said, "No ... my wife was home".
::)

[upthemaidens]

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and announces "This is the pig I sleep with every night".
  His wife looks up from her magazine that shes reading and says "thats a sheep you idiot!"
The farmer replies "I wasnt talking to you"...

[T Dog]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
;D

[T Dog]

I once played Poker in the Casino with over 30 others on one table.

It was a big deal  8)

[T Dog]

On a busy Med floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."
The doctor then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first."
"He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours."
"He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.
"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day."
"Give range of motion every thirty minutes."
"He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour."
"Feed him something tasty every hour."
"Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.
"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes."
"You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.
The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."
;D