Jokes

[T Dog]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Melbourne to Cairns.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
8)

[T Dog]

The blonde patient sees her doctor because she really wants to loose weight. He prescribes a special low-fat/low-carb diet which she follows exactly.
After three weeks she comes back to a check-up all happy because she already lost 15 pounds. However it seems that she developed an insaturable hunger for sex with her husband.
"That's a quite normal reaction." explains the doctor and tells her not to worry.
Another three weeks later she returns for yet another control visit and is devastated.
"What's wrong?" the medic asks her, as she sits crying in front of him.
"Oh, Doc! I feel so bad. You know with all that insaturable sex and me being horny for my hubby, I bit of one of his balls last night."
The doctor puts his arm around the sobbing woman. "Don't you worry. One testicle can't have more than 60 calories."
>:(

[T Dog]

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and see the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the emply air, filled with hopeless desire...
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out 500 bucks, and gives it to him.
"Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again" she said.
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but affraid that she may change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, and hands the money back to his wife and says with much disappointment: She said this is not enough. She wants one thousand.....
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger. "Damn that dog.. when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I charged him only five hundred..."
::)

[T Dog]

My wife came in from the shops to find me packing my bags. "What's going on here?" she asked.
"I'm sorry, Jane," I replied. "I can't lie to you any more, I'm seeing someone else."
"What's she like?" asked the wife, with her lip now quivering.
I replied, "She's a 22 year old topless model who insists on sex three times a day. Her dad owns a pub and she likes me to go out with the boys on a Friday."
"Is there any point in me asking you to change your mind?" she pleaded.
"You know, I'll miss your sense of humour," I said, walking out the door.
8)

[T Dog]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, the young man’s sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.
A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that’s how you load those things!"
8)

[T Dog]

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.”
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.“
She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag.” ;D

[T Dog]

Some one liners..

Stand Back! I have a brain and I’m not afraid to use it.

Strange notions? I got your strange notions right here.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Support bacteria â€" they’re the only culture some people have

Take my advice. I’m not using it.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
;D

[nas]

An old couple were relaxing in the sun at their retirement home. The old man said to the old lady, “I'll have sex with you in this rocking chair for five quid. For ten, I'll do it in my room, Or for 20, I'll make wild passionate love to you in my bed near the open fire.” The old lady reaches into her purse, takes out a 20 pound note and hands it to the old man. The old man says, “So its the wild passionate love in my bed next to the open fire?” The lady replies “No, four times in the rocking chair.”

[nas]

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?
...SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives...
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........

[T Dog]

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"
::)

[T Dog]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a Coke," and turns to the ostrich, "Whats yours?" "Ill have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a Coke." The ostrich says, "Ill have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cant hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"Thats brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"Thats right. Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, whats with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
8)

[T Dog]

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone drive off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!" ::) ::)

[CrowsFan]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a Coke," and turns to the ostrich, "Whats yours?" "Ill have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a Coke." The ostrich says, "Ill have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cant hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"Thats brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"Thats right. Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, whats with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
8)

Heard that one before, but there was also a cat on the ostriches back who would order food and refuse to pay for it. Turned out the man had been given three wishes and the third wish was for the bird to have a tight person... :-X

[T Dog]

A sociologist, a psychologist, and a computer programmer were discussing the consequences and implications of a married man having a mistress.
The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.
The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
The programmer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!".

Fairy Tales

A little girl had just listened to her mother reading her one of her favorite fairy tales. "Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with Once Upon a Time...?"
"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight'"

[T Dog]

My girlfriend said I was really sick, so I phoned a doctor for a second opinion.

He said he'd heard worse jokes.  :o