Jokes

[T Dog]

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.
"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."  8)

[Capper]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[Capper]

a bra, a car battery, and a set of jumper leads walked into a bar.

the bra went up to the bar and tried to order a round of drinks, but straight
away the bartender was like "ohhhh no i can't serve you lot!"

the bra was a bit taken aback at this, after all they'd only just walked through
the door. so she questioned the barman about it but he just said:

"well, you're off your tits and your friends look like they want to start
something!"

[Capper]

sorry people found some old classics and some no so

Two cows were standing in the meadows and one turns slowly to the other and says, “hey what do you think about this whole Mad Cow Disease issue that is going around at the moment?”

The other cow replies, “Ow, it doesn’t really concern me!!”

The first cow looks at him stunned and confused and says, “how can you not be worried about something as relevant as this!!”

The second cow replies “Cause I’m a Helicopter”

[Capper]

You wouldn't believe it, I had a crash the other day, I ran straight up the back of this guy, totally my fault.  When I got out of my car to swap details a dwarf hopped out of the other vehicle and said "ohh mate, I'm not happy" to which I replied, "well which bloody one are ya"

[Capper]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.   While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.   After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,

"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?  Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.  Look  at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered  .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

[Capper]

Megan and her boyfriend Stew went to the Sydney Show every year. Every year Stew would say, "Megan, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Megan would say, "I know Stew, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stew and Megan went to the fair and Stew said, "Megan, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Megan replied, "Stew, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stew and Megan agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stew, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stew replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Megan fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[nas]

Farmer Dudge is a little disappointed with the performance of his Rooster, so introduces a new young McRooster to the chicken run.

The new McRooster strides into the chicken run preening his feathers, and is immediately greeted by the older Rooster who lamely hobbles over.  "Well", says the old Rooster, humbly greeting the younger new arrival.  "I'm really very old - I wonder if you would agree to letting me have a couple of the really old birds, and you could have the other hundred or so?"

"Nope!  I'm afraid you're past it - they're all for me!", replies the young McRooster.

"Oh dear, I'm far too old to fight", says the older Rooster.  "Why don't you race me for them, and then when I lose, it will be no reflection on my sexual performance, so at least I can die with my pride intact."

The young McRooster readily agrees, even offering a generous headstart. Both birds take their places and the race is on. Even by the first turn of the run, the younger McRooster is quickly catching up.  By the second turn, the young McRooster is only a few feet behind, and gaining with every stride.

As they enter the final straight, he's right behind the poor old Rooster.
Suddenly, there's a loud *BANG* ,and the farmer shoots the young McRooster dead.  "Damn", says farmer Dudge, "that's the *third* gay Rooster I've bought in a month."
             ------

Grazz told me to do it.

[nas]

NASA has developed a cannon to enable it to fire dead chooks at the windscreen of their space shuttles. This is to see if the windscreen is able to stand bird strikes at high speed.

British Rail heard of this cannon and thought it would be good idea to check the windscreens of their high speed trains, so they asked NASA if they could borrow it.

In due course the cannon arrived, and excited British Rail executives waited for the first test.

Well, it didn't go as they thought it would:  the chicken went through the windscreen, the control panel, took the back off the drivers chair, and embedded itself in the wall behind the driver.

Panic stricken, British rail sent a fax to NASA explaining what they did for the test and asked if there was anything they could do to make their trains safer.

NASA's answer came back in three words:

"Defrost the chicken."

[nas]

What a woman says:

  This place is a mess!  C'mon,
  You and I need to clean up,
  Your stuff is lying on the floor
  and you'll have no clothes to wear
  if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

  blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
  YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
  blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
  blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
  blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

[nas]

                 PUB TROUBLESHOOTING CHART

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Fault:   Glass empty
Action:  Get someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
Fault:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
Action:  Retire to gent's room, practise in mirror

Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault:   Glass being held at incorrect angle
Action:  Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling

Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault:   Improper bladder control
Action:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house
         training.  Demand beer

Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Action:  Get someone to but you another beer

Symptom: Floor moving
Fault:   You are being carried out
Action:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Fault:   You have fallen over backwards
Action:  Have yourself lashed to the bar

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts
Fault:   You have fallen forward
Action:  See above

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Fault:   Bar has closed
Action:  Confirm home address with bartender

[nas]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.  He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.

He can play any musical instrument in the world.  He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.  So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus.  The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up.  So the man pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet.  The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie.  So the man pays his $50.  A third guy walks up with bagpipes.  He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the man says.  "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it?  As soon as I can figure out how to get its pyjamas off, I'm going to **** it .

[nas]

A missionary was sent to the deepest, darkest part of Africa, and moved in with a primitive native tribe.  He spent several years with the people, during which he particularly stressed the evil of sexual sin...no adultery, no fornication!

One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gave birth to a child.
But the child was white!  This caused quite a stir in the village.  The chief sent for the missionary, and said, "You have taught us the evils of sexual sin, but here is a black woman who gives birth to a white child.
And you are the only white man in a distance of a five days walk!  What is the explanation?"

The missionary replied, "No, no, my good man - you're mistaken.  This is a natural occurrence, what in English we call an albino.  Nature does this on some occasions.  For example, look over there at that flock of sheep.They are all white, except -- look, there is one black sheep among them!  Could you explain this to me?"

The chief thinks it over for a while and then replies, "Okay.  I'll tell you what, father.  You don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't say anything about the white child."

[nas]

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude.  He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he immediately covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked: "What do you have under the newspaper, Mister?"

"Err ... it's ... a ... bird," the guy replied.  The little girl stared at him for a few seconds, and then wandered off.  Eventually, the guy dozed off to sleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.  When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.  I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm in here."

The police proceeded back to the beach, and eventually found the little girl.  They asked her "What on earth did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "Nothing....  I was playing with this bird, and it spat on me.  So I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

[nas]

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.  A policeman was approaching from about 50 metres away.  When the policeman got face to face with her, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could book you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" the woman asked.

"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."

The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness!  I left the baby on the bus again!"