Jokes

[DazBurg]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
8)

LOL

[T Dog]

Thanks DB  ;D

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like
there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his
cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and
tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any
trouble here.
The guy replies, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone
installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his
hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a
conversation.
"That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", says the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you
name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to
the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't
return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into
the men's room to check on the guy.
The guy is spread-eagle up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he
has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender.
"Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says, "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."  8) 8)

[T Dog]

Dear Wife:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me, or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister Carla and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!

Response

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with Carla, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that she had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.'
>:(

[nas]

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mum" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout .. and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him and said “Thank you”. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the checkout girl. "It can't be that much ! I only bought 5 items." The checkout girl replied "Yes, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."

[nas]

Grazz was bouncing his baby grandson on his knee today but Karen wasn't too impressed.

"Grazz for heavens sake will you stop doing that." Karen raged.

"Chill out woman, Grazz snapped, "I'm only playing with him."

"Maybe so," Karen said, "but the doctors need to cut the cord."

[DazBurg]

Dear Wife:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me, or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister Carla and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!

Response

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with Carla, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that she had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.'
>:(

LOL
Tdog brilliant
love your work mate ;)

[T Dog]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
:'( :'( :'(

[nas]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get ill, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No'
Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough.

[Ziplock]

lol.

[T Dog]

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terribly, doctor, terribly."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."  8)

[McRooster]

What's the difference between the Crows and Lance Armstrong?






At least Armstrong finished first when he cheated!  :P

[Ringo]

sick roost!! ;D ;D

[tor01doc]

Never seen this section before. Quite a laugh really.

Here are a few from Taiwan.


Reserved for Joke of the Week.

Eg What is the difference between George Michael and a microwave?

A microwave stops when you open the door.







Week 2

At work the other day a guy is post op wearing an oxygen mask and he asks the pretty young student nurse a question, 'Are my testicles black?' She blushes and avoids the issue. He persists so she pulls down the sheet, and ever so gently cradles his scrotum, lifts it up and then a bit to the left an a bit to the right, and says 'No they aren't bruised.'

He pulls off his mask and says 'Come closer' and whispers in her ear ' I said are my test results back?'






Week 3



These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years.
First guy asks the second guy,

"How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,

"I  w..a..s   a..l..m..o..s..t   m..a..r..r..i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s,   I   w..e..n..t   t..o   a
d..o..c..t..o..r    a..n..d    h..e    t..o..l..d    m..e
t..h..a..t    i..f    I   s..p..e..a..k    s..l..o..w..l..y    I
w..i..l..l    n..o..t    s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was
almost married.

"W..e..l..l,    m..y    f..i..a..n..c..e..e    a..n..d    I
w..e..r..e    s..i..t..t..i..n..g    o..n   h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h   a..n..d    t..h..e   d..o..g    w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g    h..i..s    b..a..c..k    a..n..d
I    t..o..l..d    h..e..r    t..h..a..t    w..h..e..n    w..e
a..r..e    m..a..r..r..i..e..d,    s..h..e    c..o  u  l  d
d..o     t..h..a..t    f..o..r    m..e     a..n..d    s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w    t..h..e    r..i..n..g   i..n    m..y
f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the   first
friend.

" W..e..l..l,    I    s..p..e..a..k    s..o    s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t    b..y    t..h..e    t..i..m..e     s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d    a..t    t..h..e   d..o..g,    h..e
w..a..s     l..i..c..k..i..n..g    h..i..s    b..a..l..l..s"






This week...

>>It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people
>>whoever had a really bad day on the day they had died. On the first
>>morning when the policy was employed, St. Peter was standing at the
>>pearly gates and said the first man in line, "Tell me about the day
>>you died." The man said, "Oh it was awful. I was sure my wife was
>>having an affair, so I came home early from work one day to catch her
>>in the act. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find him
>>anywhere. So finally I went out on the balcony (we lived on the 25th
>>floor) and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. So
>>I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands.
>>He fell, of course, but he landed in some bushes and lived. So I went
>>inside
>>  got the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony and it
>>crushed him
>>  The strain of the act, though, gave me a heart attack, so I died."
>>St Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was
>>a crime of passion, so he let the man enter heaven.
>>He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir,
>>it was awful. I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor
>>apartment, when I slipped over the edge.
>>I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment beneath me but then
>>some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers! I fell, of
>>course,but I landed in some bushes and lived! But then the guy came
>>out and dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckles a bit, lets
>>him into heaven and decides that he could really start to enjoy this job.
>>"Tell me about the day  you died, " he said to the third man.
>>"Okay, picture this.
>>
>>
>>
>>I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator ..."








So another...

The Old Cowboy

Ya think you have lived to be 85 and know what you are...then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens!






An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.



As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'





This week's funny...


He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forwards, then backwards again...back and forth...back and forth....in and out....in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream
and shouted, 'OK  OK! I can't park the f**king car! You do it, you smug barbie!'

[Spite]

This one,
This week...

>>It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people
>>whoever had a really bad day on the day they had died. On the first
>>morning when the policy was employed, St. Peter was standing at the
>>pearly gates and said the first man in line, "Tell me about the day
>>you died." The man said, "Oh it was awful. I was sure my wife was
>>having an affair, so I came home early from work one day to catch her
>>in the act. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find him
>>anywhere. So finally I went out on the balcony (we lived on the 25th
>>floor) and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. So
>>I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands.
>>He fell, of course, but he landed in some bushes and lived. So I went
>>inside
>>  got the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony and it
>>crushed him
>>  The strain of the act, though, gave me a heart attack, so I died."
>>St Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was
>>a crime of passion, so he let the man enter heaven.
>>He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir,
>>it was awful. I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor
>>apartment, when I slipped over the edge.
>>I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment beneath me but then
>>some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers! I fell, of
>>course,but I landed in some bushes and lived! But then the guy came
>>out and dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckles a bit, lets
>>him into heaven and decides that he could really start to enjoy this job.
>>"Tell me about the day  you died, " he said to the third man.
>>"Okay, picture this.
>>
>>
>>
>>I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator ..."

Is FANTASTIC!!!

[T Dog]

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested, she'll send you a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).
8)