Jokes

[roo boys!]

naste you are a legend!

[nas]

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of  dollars  in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why do we buy hamburgers in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
 
EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women  put on mascara with their mouth closed?   

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[nas]

Just  before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the  very elderly widow and asked,
'How  old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two  years older than me.'
'So  you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She  responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters  interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And  what do you think is the best thing
about  being 104?' the reporter asked.
She  simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

Three  old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't  it?'  Second one says, 'No, it's  Thursday!' Third  one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a  beer.'
 
I've  sure gotten old!   
I've  had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New  knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm  half blind,
Can't  hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take  40 different medications that
Make  me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have  bouts with dementia.
Have  poor circulation;
Hardly  feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't  remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have  lost all my friends. But,  thank God,
I  still have my driver's license.

I  feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I  got my doctor's permission to
Join  a fitness club and start exercising.
I  decided to take an aerobics class for  seniors.
I  bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for  an hour. But,  by the time I got my leotards on,
The  class was over..

An  elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told  her preacher she had two final requests.
First,  she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She  wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher  exclaimed.
'Why  Wal-Mart?'
'Then  I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a  week.'

My  memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also,  my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Two  elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a  bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said:  'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and  pains. I know you're about my age. How do you  feel?' Slim  said, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!?  Like a newborn baby?' 'Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my  pants.'

Know  how to prevent sagging?
Just  eat till the wrinkles fill out.

A  man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing  aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the  art. It's perfect.' 'Really,'  answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve  thirty',  he replied.

It's  scary when you start making the same  noises
as  your coffee maker.

An  elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of  years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have  him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear  100%. He went back in a month and the doctor said, 'Your  hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased  that you can hear again.' The  gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I  just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed  my will three times!'

These  days about half the stuff
in  my shopping cart says,
'For  fast relief.'

THE  SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant  me the senility to forget the people
I  never liked anyway,
The  good fortune to run into the ones I do,  and
the  eyesight to tell the difference.





 

[nas]

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood
rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....
Just thought you'd like to know.

[nas]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff..'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass..

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'Coffee Break, do your stuff.'

Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......

Ate the cookies........

Drank the milk.......

shower on the paper.......

Screwed the other three cats.......

Claimed he injured his back while doing so........

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

Put in for Workers' Compensation...............and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE  WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

[nas]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the
Bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
As the husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head, the wife shouts,
'Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership,
And HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the
Husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabby replies, 'I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.

[nas]

Another oldie but a goodie for you all!!!!

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service
for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to
be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy
had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know
what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing
Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard
one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

[nas]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went
into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went
up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a
break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tyres. So my wife called him a sh..- head. He finished the second ticket
and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him,
the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw that the car
had a vote for Julia Gillard (evil new Australian Prime Minister) sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that
we're retired... It's important at our age.

[CrowsFan]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[CrowsFan]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[CrowsFan]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

[BratPack]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

http://instantcrickets.com/

[chrisuzz]

What did the bread say to the ham??
"Nice to 'meat' you."

Why did the wog go to the hospital??
Cos he was fully sick.

Why couldn't the bike stand up??
Cos it was two tired.

[chrisuzz]

Two men walked into a bar........ The other ducked ;D

As you can tell i like these sort of jokes they are so bad that they are funny ;D

[Bosh]

How do you kill a blonde?












Give her a Gun and say its a hairdryer!