Jokes

[DazBurg]

My poor old Grandma died of a massive heart attack when she was watching the TV last Saturday evening. No-one knows what caused it and she was always really healthy, so it came as terrible shock to all the family.

Still, it wasn't a bad weekend for everyone. The Paramedic who tried to revive her was in the papers earlier. Lucky bugger won  1st division in tattslotto the same night.  :o

that reminds me of real life
not a joke but did u hear the news the other day a guy in America won 61 million
they asked him does he have someone to share it with and he said no he'd just been recently dumped by his girldfriend the day before!!!

LOL

[Fireballz]

I hope this hasn't been posted already...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

[DazBurg]

I hope this hasn't been posted already...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

LOL

[CrowsFan]

My poor old Grandma died of a massive heart attack when she was watching the TV last Saturday evening. No-one knows what caused it and she was always really healthy, so it came as terrible shock to all the family.

Still, it wasn't a bad weekend for everyone. The Paramedic who tried to revive her was in the papers earlier. Lucky bugger won  1st division in tattslotto the same night.  :o

that reminds me of real life
not a joke but did u hear the news the other day a guy in America won 61 million
they asked him does he have someone to share it with and he said no he'd just been recently dumped by his girldfriend the day before!!!

LOL

Haha so good!

[McRooster]

The body of a 32 year old man was found floating adrift by some fisherman at 4:30 this morning.
He was wearing a Port Power shirt, a blonde wig, lipstick, makeup, a miniskirt, matching red lingerie, fishnet stockings and red high heeled shoes. Furthermore he had a dildo shoved up his arse.

Police have removed the shirt in order to save his family further embarrassment.

[Dudge]

The body of a 32 year old man was found floating adrift by some fisherman at 4:30 this morning.
He was wearing a Port Power shirt, a blonde wig, lipstick, makeup, a miniskirt, matching red lingerie, fishnet stockings and red high heeled shoes. Furthermore he had a dildo shoved up his arse.

Police have removed the shirt in order to save his family further embarrassment.

Not nice Roost, i may just go buy a couple of your rellies for tea tonight now ;D

[T Dog]

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

8)

[T Dog]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
;D

[CrowsFan]

That joke probably needs to be updated to current times. I mean who writes a letter these days? :P

[T Dog]

That joke probably needs to be updated to current times. I mean who writes a letter these days? :P

Sadly my mother still sends cards and letters..lol.. 8)

[T Dog]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
;D ;D

[CrowsFan]

Haha oh god!! ;D

[T Dog]

There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette.
They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.
So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops.
The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.
So they go out the back door and they see this barn.
They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.
She tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack.
Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.
They go into the barn and look everywhere.
One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks".
So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.
He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.
Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!"
??? ::)

[T Dog]

My hot new girlfriend loves the fact I'm so creative and imaginative.

She wouldn't exist if I wasn't.  8)

[T Dog]

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.
Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.
"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.
"Correct." Says the teacher.
So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.
"Correct again." Says the teacher.
So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"
:o