Jokes

[T Dog]

thanks Daz  ;D

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"shower" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
:o :o

[nas]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man came to  the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doctor, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yes, none of us could get the jar open."

[Grazz]

The wife came up to me the other day and asked
"Do these pants make me look fat honey"
I said "Of course not babe"
"Its all the chocolate biscuits you eat"

[monstrum]

*Bruce McAvaney Voice*

Heres crouch falls to the knee's moves it straight to Dick then its Suckling all over the Back of Dick now it spills to Ball, Ball quickly to Cox and now its slowed down bit of tempo getting played around with here he knows he's got swallow if he needs not sure where its going, OH its Danger exploding straight up the middle and he uses Swallow for a "Special" finish.

That really was something wasnt it Dennis...

[nas]

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a sh*tty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your bottom and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

[nas]

Karen (Grazz's wife) was arrested for shop lifting.

When Karen went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

Karen replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and Karen replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

Karen replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I’ll give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, Grazz spoke......and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

Grazz said, "Karen also stole a can of peas."

[nas]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy down the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the goal keeper"

[T Dog]

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
8)

[nas]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!"

[nas]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Dudge says to Grazz behind him: "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Grazz replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Dudge deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a print out: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Grazz began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Grazz hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following: 1.Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2.Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4.Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5.If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[nas]

A 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86-year-old said: "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child." "So what do you think about that, Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older Redneck friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said: "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied: "My point exactly."

[nas]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent barbie," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" .... The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[T Dog]

Niced work agin Naste  ;D

Lance is an anagram of clean, ironically.  >:( :o 8)

[Grazz]

Karen (Grazz's wife) was arrested for shop lifting.

When Karen went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

Karen replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and Karen replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

Karen replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I’ll give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, Grazz spoke......and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

Grazz said, "Karen also stole a can of peas."

lol your in trouble mate, she read that one.

[T Dog]

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
:o :o