Jokes

[Ringo]

    One woman’s three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and she had to be on him constantly. One day they stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

    While the woman enjoyed her taco, she smelled something funny, so of course, she checked her seven-month-old daughter, but the infant was clean. Then she realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so she asked him and he said, “No.”

    She kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don’t have any clothes with me.” Then she said, “Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?”

    “No,” he replied.

    She just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. So she asked one more time, “Matty, did you have an accident?”

    Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”

    While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. The mother was mortified!

    Some kind people tried to make her feel better. They came over and thanked her for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

    Another old gentleman stopped the family in the parking lot as they were leaving, bent over to the son and said, “Don’t worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time… I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did.”

[Ringo]

Bit political but true as well

[Ringo]

    Sister Judy woke up one morning feeling great. She got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.

    On her way over there, she ran into sister Jane. “Hi, Sister Jane,” she greeted her.

    “I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed, Sister,” Jane replied. Judy did not understand what Sister Jane meant by that, so she ignored it and went on her way.

    She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta. “Good morning, Sister Roberta! I am having a great day.”

    “I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed,” Sister Roberta replied mysteriously.

    The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great, so she decided to go and see Mother Superior.

    “Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed, even though I feel great today,” Judy explained, troubled.

    Mother Superior responded,”That is because you have Brother John’s shoes on.”

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

    An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

    They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

    After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

    Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”

    And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”

    Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.

    Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”

    “No. I’m Swedish.”

[Ringo]

Love this one

[Ringo]

    The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day.

    Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. “Hello?”

    “Is your daddy home?” he asked.

    “Yes,” whispered the small voice.

    “May I speak with him?”

    The child whispered, “No.”

    Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

    “Yes.”

    “May I speak with her?”

    Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

    Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

    “Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

    “No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.

    “Busy doing what?”

    “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.

    Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

    “A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.

    “What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

    Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”

    Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “ME.”

[Ringo]

Apologies to Trump Supporters

[Ringo]

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him “very quick.”

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”

Man: “YA, YA, acre and half and nice little home.”

Lawyer: “No,” I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

Man: “It made of concrete.”

Lawyer: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”

Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”

Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”

Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

Man: “Ya, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player.”

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?”

Man: “No, I always up before her.”

Lawyer: “WHY do you want this divorce?”

Man: “She going to kill me.”

Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”

Man: “I got proof.

Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”

Man: “She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says, “Polish Remover.”

[Ringo]

    Two army boys, Frankie and Davy, get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

    Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Frankie says, “Hey, Davy â€" there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drink.”

    “But we’s privates,” protests Davy.

    “No, we’s sergeants now,” says Frankie proudly, pulling him inside. “Now, Davy, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

    “But, we’s privates,” says Davy. “You’re blind, boy!” says Frankie, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!”

    So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Frankie. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good â€" but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

    Frankie pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Davy, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.”

    Davy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Frankie the big okay sign.

    Three weeks later Frankie is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

    “Davy,” he shouts, “What did you give me the okay for?!”

    “Well Frankie, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.” Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!”

[Ringo]

    Matty’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

    “Is this really a wanted person?” Matty asked, pointing at a picture.

    “Yes,” answered the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”

    Then Matty said, “Well then, why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

[Ringo]

Think we all feel like this sometimes

[Ringo]

A few of us can relate to this:  :D

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. â€"
    Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to water my garden.
    As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
    I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

    As I start toward the garage,
    I notice mail on the porch table that
    I brought up from the mail box earlier.

    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys on the table,
    put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
    and notice that the can is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills
    back on the table and take out the garbage first.

    But then I think,
    since I’m going to be near the mailbox
    when I take out the garbage anyway,
    I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my check book off the table,
    and see that there is only one check left.
    My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
    so I go inside the house to my desk where
    I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

    I’m going to look for my checks,
    but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
    so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

    The Pepsi is getting warm,
    and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
    a vase of flowers on the counter
    catches my eyeâ€"they need water.

    I put the Pepsi on the counter and
    discover my reading glasses that
    I’ve been searching for all morning.
    I decide I better put them back on my desk,
    but first I’m going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter,
    fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
    Someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
    I’ll be looking for the remote,
    but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
    so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
    but first I’ll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers,
    but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

    So, I set the remote back on the table,
    get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then, I head down the hall trying to
    remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:
    the car isn’t washed
    the bills aren’t paid
    there is a warm can of
    Pepsi sitting on the counter
    the flowers don’t have enough water,
    there is still only 1 check in my check book,
    I can’t find the remote,
    I can’t find my glasses,
    and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
    Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
    I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
    and I’m really tired.

    I realize this is a serious problem,
    and I’ll try to get some help for it,
    but first I’ll check my e-mail….

    Don’t laugh â€" if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"