Jokes

[Ringo]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is supposed to leave, Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but there’s nothing they can do.

Two days later, the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

“Dang man, how long have you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday,” Rob begins. “Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who?’ I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.

She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed were handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, ‘Now, you can do whatever you want.’

So here I am.”

[Ringo]

    A judge was interviewing a blonde woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

    The blonde woman replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

    “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

    “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

    “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

    “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

    He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

    “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

    “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

    “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

    “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

    “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

    “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

[Ringo]

    A couple of parents are out of town celebrating their wedding day, and ask grandma to keep an eye on their teenage daughter.

    It’s Friday evening and the teenage grandchild is getting ready for a date. When the girl walks down the stairs, the grandma is chocked to see that she is wearing a see-through blouse without anything underneath.

    “You wouldn’t dare go out dressed like that!” she says to the girl.

    “Relax, grandma,” the girl says, “It’s 2017, it’s okay to let your rosebuds show a bit.” The girl quickly runs out of the house before the grandma can get a word in edgewise.

    On the next day the girl walks down the stairs again, but is shocked to see her grandma sitting there without any clothes on her upper body.

    The girl is incredibly embarrassed by the sight, and tells grandma that she has invited some friends over, and asks her to put on some clothes so it won’t be awkward.

    “Relax, honey,” the grandma says, “if you can show your rosebuds, then what’s wrong with me showing my hanging plants?”

[Ringo]

and in case you need reminding

[Ringo]

    Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

    They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning â€" though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

    The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”

    They throw the switch and nothing happens. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

    The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”

    They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

    The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

    A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

    The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.

    While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

    At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

    Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

    The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy,’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’

    The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’”

[Ringo]

    A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

    The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

    “What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

    “This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

    “What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

    “My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

    “What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

    “That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

    “I used a different rooster,” he replied.

    The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

[Ringo]

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.

However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.

At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”

The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.

“Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.

The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

[Ringo]

Apologies if offended. 

    A mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married within a short space of time.

    Mum was a bit worried about what their early experiences would be like. She therefore made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoon destinations, with a few words on how marital sex felt.

    The 1st girl sent a card from Hawaii, two days after her wedding. The card said nothing but: ‘Nescafe.’

    Mum was puzzled at first, but off she went to her kitchen to get out the Nescafe jar; it said ‘Good till the last drop.’ She blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

    The 2nd girl sent a card from Atlanta, a week after her own wedding. The card read: ‘Rothmans.’

    Mum dashed straight to her husband’s pack of cigarettes and she read from the pack: ‘Extra Long, King Size.’ She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

    The 3rd girl was in Cape Town for her honeymoon. Nothing was heard from her until all of 30 days later. Mother had begun to entertain a measure of apprehension.

    On the 31st day, her postcard finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: ‘South African Airways.’

    Mum desperately rummaged through the waste bin for the ticket jacket her daughter had discarded before her departure.

    Fearing the worst, she finally found the ad for South African Airways and read: ‘Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’

    Mum fainted.

[Ringo]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10â€"inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23â€"yearâ€"old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69â€"yearâ€"old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23â€"yearâ€"old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10â€"inch black and white TV.

[Ringo]

Not really a joke but a label I came across when buying clothes for grand children.

[Ringo]

[crowls]

you are a legend Ringo.   Couple of good belly laughs are just what I needed.

[Ringo]

Ever feel like this some days even though not 90.

    A husband and wife in their 90s are both having problems remembering things.

    During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically OK, but they might want to start writing things down to avoid forgetting.

    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.

    “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

    “Sure …”

    “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.

    “No, I can remember it.”

    “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”

    He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

    “I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?” she asks.

    Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream â€" I got it, for goodness’ sake!” Then he toddles into the kitchen.

    After about 20 minutes, the old man returns and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

    She stares at the plate for a moment.

    “Where’s my toast?”