Jokes

[Ringo]

    Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

    “Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broken, and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad,” Kate said.

    Paul yelled back, “Who do I look like, the PG&E man? I don’t think so.”

    A little while later, Kate said, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”

    “Who do I look like, an electrician? I don’t think so,” Paul retorted.

    A few hours later, Kate said, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”

    Paul quickly replied, “Who do I look like, a carpenter? I don’t think so.”

    Frustrated from all the requests, Paul gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife, so he went on home.

    He came up the porch and realized that the step was fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

    “Babe, how did you fix all this?” Paul asked his wife.

    She looked at him and explained, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch. A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying, and he asked me what he could do to help.

    He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”

    “Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?” Paul asked.

    Kate looked at him and replied, “Who do I look like, Betty Crocker? I don’t think so!”

[Ringo]

A man walks into a watering hole with a large box and takes a seat at the bar. The bartender, curious, asks, “What’s in the box?”

The man says, “I’ll show you if you get me a free beer.”

So the bartender gets the man a beer. The man drinks it, then pulls out a minuscule little man and a matching piano. The little man promptly starts playing the little piano.

“Hey, that’s pretty cool,” the bartender says. “Where did you get that?”

The man says, “I’ll tell you if you get me another beer.”

So the bartender gets the man another beer. The man drinks it. “I got it from a genie in a lamp,” he finally reveals.

Fully invested now, the bartender says, “If you let me borrow that lamp, I’ll give you another beer.”

“Sure!” the man answers. The bartender gets him another beer, and the man hands the bartender the lamp.

The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough, a genie pops out.

“You are now my master,” the genie announces. “I will grant you one wish. What will it be?”

The bartender immediately says, “I wish for a million bucks!”

All of a sudden, a million ducks start flying into the room.

“What the heck is this!” screams the bartender, attempting to chase them out. “I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

The man, still sitting at the bar, responds, “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

[Ringo]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

“That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man, “same for me,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.” Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

[Ringo]

Think about this next time you have a bad day!

   There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

    “Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.

    “Oh, come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

    “This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.”

    “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

[Ringo]

Walking upstairs with a load of laundry one evening, Tess heard soft murmuring as she walked by her daughter’s open bedroom door.

Peeking inside quietly, she saw her little girl kneeling on the floor near her bed. She was praying.

Tess didn’t understand where this behavior was coming from, as their family was not a particularly religious one.

“Please, God,” Penny kept saying over and over. Her mother hovered in the doorway, trying to understand why her daughter was praying.

Finally the girl voiced her request. “Please God, make Melaka the capital city of Malaysia.”

“Penny, why on Earth would you make such a strange request?” asked Tess, startling her daughter. Penny began to cry.

“Because that’s what I wrote in my Geography test this morning!”

[Ringo]

    Late one evening, a woman came home from work after a long day at the office. When she walked into the kitchen, she found her husband walking around wielding a fly swatter.

    “Albert, what are you doing?” she asked.

    “I’m hunting flies,” he said.

    “Oh, I see. Did you kill any?” she asked.

    “Yep, three males two females,” he replied in a confident tone.

    The woman was intrigued by her husband’s apparent fly knowledge.

    She asked, “But how can you tell the difference between males and females?”

    He replied, “Easy. Three were on the beer can and two were on the phone.”

[Ringo]

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.

“Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.

The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.

He says, “This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,” and disappears.

The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.

The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.

The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, “Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.”

He slowly looks down at her and says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”

[Ringo]

A little old Texas lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”

“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “At least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon. I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

[Ringo]

    The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer some of them an early retirement bonus.

    They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

    The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

    The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

    The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major. When asked where he would like to be measured, he replied, “From the tip of my penis to my the back of my balls.”

    The pension man asked if he wanted to reconsider his choice, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

    The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to drop ’em, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the penis and began to work back. “Dear Lord!” he suddenly exclaimed. “Where are your testicles?”

    The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, “Vietnam.”

[Ringo]

A blonde driver was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to SeaWorld.”

[Ringo]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She tearfully agreed, but asked how to let him know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange postcard today.”

“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said.

The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

“Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.”

[Ringo]

Musicians will get this one

"A musical note was put under arrest, which confused the musicians."

[Ringo]

    One day, a man who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

    “It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself.

    As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

    She approaches the stunned guy and says: “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

    “Ten years,” replies the stunned man.

    With that, she reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

    He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

    “And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” she asks him.
    Trembling the castaway replies: “Ten years.”

    She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

    He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: “WOW, that’s absolutely fantastic!”

    At this point, the woman starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks: “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

    With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: “Oh good Lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a portable TV?”

[Ringo]

One day, the loneliness of a 70-year-old widow made her put an ad in the local newspaper that she wanted to marry again. It read:

“Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”

The next day, the doorbell rang, and when she opened the door, she saw a gray-haired gentleman in a wheelchair, with no legs or arms.

She said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you-you have no legs!”

The old man smiled gently, and replied: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

The old lady, still objecting, said, “You don’t have any arms either!”

This made the old man smile again, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

Before the next question, the old lady raised her eyebrow and asked, “Are you still good in bed?”

The old man leaned back, and with a grin on his face, said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

[enzedder]

Got sent this yesterday... will appeal to the punters...
The town drunk is a mad punter but he's always pissed. He gets thrown out of his local pub tab by the publican. On the street he asks a passer by for a tip who looks at him and says 'for you I think lunch would be a good thing.' The drunk spies a board next to him that says, "LUNCH 12-1" He thinks wow great odds ! So he goes into the pub to back LUNCH. The publican throws him out again. So he staggers down the hill to the towns other pub to get his bet on LUNCH. On the way he passes a cafe that says on its board LUNCH 11-2. He thinks, everyone is backing it off the map ! He rushes down to the other pub to see their board stating LUNCH 1-2. "Bugger me", he cries, "Its into odds on." He flakes on the footpath and wakes up to find himself in a cell locked up for D & D. He calls out to the nearest cop. "Hey, tell me about LUNCH." The cop calls back, "Bad luck about lunch pal, sober up first." The drunk smiles and says, "Sober up first. Glad I didn't bloomin back LUNCH !!"