Jokes

[Ringo]

    An older couple was out in the country on a holiday. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

    Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning ma’am. What are you doing?”

    “Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)

    “You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

    “I’m sorry about that officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

    “Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

    “For reading a book?” asked the woman.

    “Yes, this is a restricted fishing area.”

    The woman throws up her hands, “but I’m not fishing, I’m just reading.”

    “Yes, but you have all the equipment. You’re gonna have to come with me.”

    “If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

    “But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

    “That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

    The game warden says, “Have a nice day, ma’am,” and leaves.

[Ringo]

    A New Yorker and his wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

    When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the 9 kids are able to fit on the bus. After hearing about the predicament, the blind man lets the children get on instead of him. The wife asks her husband to take their youngest in the baby carriage and walk home.

    Since the blind man had been such a gentleman and let the family get on instead of him, the New Yorker decides that he’ll take a detour and walk the blind man home.

    As the bus drove off, the two men started to walk while the baby slept.

    After a while, the baby woke up from the sound of the blind man’s stick hitting the sidewalk, and started crying.

    The father, already irritated from missing the bus, got even more frustrated.

    He said, ”Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That sound is driving me crazy!”

    The blind man replied, ”If you had put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus!”

[Ringo]

A boastful lawyer had just bought a shiny new sports car, and he was eager to show it off to all his colleagues.

He parked by the side of the road and opened the driver’s side door, when all of a sudden an eighteen-wheeler truck came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with it.

“NOOO! My Jaguar, my Jaguar!” the lawyer screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

A police officer saw the car without a door and came over to check out if the man was OK. The lawyer ran up to him yelling, “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!”

“You’re a lawyer, aren’t you?” asked the officer.

“Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?” the lawyer asked.

The officer replied, “HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your prestige and your possessions. You must have been holding the car door when it got hit â€" I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing, did you?”

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, “MY ROLEX!”

[Ringo]

A kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put his boots on. He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she was nearly out of breath.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots back on â€" this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than scream, “Why didn’t you say so earlier?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your gloves?”

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

[Ringo]

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity.

Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations and was admitted into paradise.

When Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?”

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When Paris Hilton died, she went to heaven and met the man at the gates. “How can you prove to me you’re Paris Hilton?” Saint Peter said.

“Well gosh, I don’t know,” Hilton replied.

“Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re Paris Hilton?”

“Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?” Hilton asked.

To which St. Peter replied, “It must be you, Paris, c’mon on in.”

[Ringo]

A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico, and spends his day roaming around, taking in the sight. In the evening he goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner.

As he sits there sipping his tequila, he notices that the couple at the table next to him are being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle.

When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish.

The waiter replied, “Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!”

The Texan said, “Well, what the heck, bring me an order.”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

[Ringo]

    A young woman had a flat tire on the interstate.

    She eased her car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk.

    She took out two cardboard women, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of her car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

    As she expected, cars started slowing down looking at her lifelike ladies. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting horns and waving like crazy.

    It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind her. He got out of his car and started walking toward her. He was definitely not happy.

    “What’s going on here?” he asked.

    “My car has a flat tire,” the woman said calmly.

    “Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard women doing here by the road?”

    The lady looked flabbergasted that he didn’t know.

    “Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”

[Ringo]

Think he guessed right  :) :)

[Ringo]

    A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

    As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

    The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

    Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

    He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

    At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home â€" and left the cat there.

    Hours later, the man called home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

    “Yes”, the wife replied, “why do you ask?”

    Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a b*!ch on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

[Ringo]

A group of people from the city came to visit a farm to know more about how it works. The farmer greeted them and started showing them around, explaining this and that.

As they reached the animals in the pasture, a young lady in the group spoke up.

“Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” she asked.

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep ’em trimmed down with a hacksaw.

Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ‘em cold.

Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.

But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”

[Ringo]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, little Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom to get him to breathe. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. … Smack his butt again!”

[Ringo]

After an examination, a doctor sighed and told his patient, “I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.”

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

“Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.”

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends, aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??”

“Because I don’t want any of those bâ€"tches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”

[Ringo]

Can I just ask everyone a huge favour?
Those of you who are planning to put Christmas lights in your front gardens please can you avoid anything red or blue & flashing? Every time I drive past, I think it's the cops & have a mild panic attack.
I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on the brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, hide my bottle of wine, swallow my joint, & shove the gun under the seat.
It's a major drama. I really appreciate your cooperation & understanding

[Ringo]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[Ringo]

    A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

    The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

    She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”

    She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

    As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.

    She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?

    The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

    The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”

    He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

    She paid it and left without saying a word.