Jokes

[monstrum]

LOL! Poor little broken rubber! Cheers naste, got a round of laughs with that one  ;D

[DazBurg]

Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed.
Grandpa hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him with disgust. "You just don't understand do you, you old coot.
The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

LOL

[CrowsFan]

Dazburg and BratPack were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Dazburg. "Bet you $10 he won't," replied BratPack.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. So Bratpack hands the DazBurg the money.

"I can't take your money," DazBurg says. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said BratPack. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

[T Dog]

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

[T Dog]

This morning my wife, for no apparent reason, started to cry at the breakfast table.
I said to her, over my cornflakes, "What's up?"
"It's you," she said blubbing. "All you do is make fun of me, my size, my weight, you are constantly ribbing me about my shape and always joking at every opportunity you get. It really upsets me."
So I gave her a big hug and said, "I'm sorry I don't mean those things I say, I love you the way you are."
After comforting her for a while, I said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take the morning off and take you shopping, how does that sound?"
"That would be lovely," she replied.
"OK shopping it is...
Now hurry up and finish that bowl of plankton"
8)

[T Dog]

A joke in a film caught me off guard and I spat beer all over the screen.
Nobody was impressed, even though I was in the back of the cinema.
;D ;D ;D ;D

[CrowsFan]

A guy took his girlfriend to her first American football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

[T Dog]

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
8)

[T Dog]

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."  ;D

[T Dog]

Last night I saw a man and a woman kissing, and it was obvious they were very much in love. I just had to let them know. So I walked up to them and said "I must say, you two make the sweetest couple."
They looked at me for a moment, slightly taken aback, before the man replied:
"Who are you and how the hell did you get in our house?!!"
8)...what?

[T Dog]

My wife's leaving me because I'm so arrogant.
I told her to close the door on her way back in. ;D

[Spite]

My wife's leaving me because I'm so arrogant.
I told her to close the door on her way back in. ;D

Brilliant!!!!

[T Dog]

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...a friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband  :o

[T Dog]

I came home from the pub extremely drunk last night and as I staggered down the driveway I noticed that my wife was standing on the doorstep in her dressing gown.

"Look at the state of you. All of the neighbours are probably looking, you're an embarrassment! Put some flowering makeup on." I said.  :)

[CrowsFan]

Haha that one made me laugh :D