Jokes

[Ringo]

    Dear Sir:

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

    By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

    I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, â€" when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

    From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

    My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

    Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

    Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

    I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

    Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

    In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

    I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

    As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

    IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

    #1. To make an appointment to see me

    #2. To query a missing payment.

    #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

    #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

    #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

    #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

    #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

    Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

    #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through

    #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

    The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

    #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client And remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to p**s us off.

[Ringo]

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: “I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter’s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn’t even know that she smoked!”

“That’s not so bad,” says the second mother. “I was tidying my daughter’s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn’t even know that she drank!”

“Oh, it gets even worse than that,” says the third mother. “I was tidying my daughter’s room last week and you’ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn’t even know that she had a penis!”

[Ringo]

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.”

The next morning, the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

Some time later, a police officer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A few days later, a lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”

The next morning, the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

[Ringo]

n grade school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?”

Alec raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.”

The teacher nodded and called on Penny.

Penny said, “I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette.”

The teacher smiled and then called on Jimmy.

Jimmy stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”

“Why is that, Jimmy?” the teacher asked.

He responded by saying, “Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”

[Ringo]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be but never delivered.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was… God! I miss him!

… But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

[Ringo]

A police station got two new horses, and two cops were assigned to be mounted police officers. They went on a ride and came back pleased.

“This horse is great! From now on I’ll always take this one,” said the first cop.

“My horse’s great too. So I’ll always take it too,” replied the second cop.

“But how do we know which is which?”

They thought about it for a minute or two, until one of them came up with an idea. “Let’s shorten this one’s tail!”

The other cop agreed, and they gave the horse’s tail a thorough trimming.

The next morning, they found the police chief standing in front of the horses looking really mad. The two officers asked him what was wrong.

“You two morons shortened this beautiful horse’s tail, that’s what’s wrong!”

“But otherwise, we couldn’t tell them apart,” one of the cops protested.

To which the chief angrily replied, “Can’t you see the black one is a bit taller than the brown one?!”

[Ringo]

    Terry and his wife Darcy were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment for a few days now.

    But on Sunday night, Terry realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early morning business flight.

    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence â€" and ‘lose’ â€" he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5 a.m.” He left it where he knew she would find it.

    The next morning, Terry woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why Darcy hadn’t awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

    The paper said, “It is 5 a.m. Wake up.”

[Ringo]

    Joe had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor.

    The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

    Joe was shocked and depressed, but in the end he came to the conclusion that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.”

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

    The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.”

    Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

    “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

    Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

    “Been in the business 60 years.”

    Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

    Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

    The salesman said, “Let’s see, size 36.”

    Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

    The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

[Ringo]

It was Harvey’s 40th birthday and he really didn’t feel like waking up that morning.

He managed to pull himself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping his wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!” and possibly have a small present for him.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” He thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They would remember.

His kids came trampling down the stairs, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to him. So when he made it out of the house and started for work, Harvey felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As he walked into his office, his secretary Annabelle said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.

He worked in zombie-like fashion until about one o’clock, when Annabelle knocked on his door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday. Why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.”

Harvey said, “Thanks, Annabelle, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

They went to lunch but not where they’d normally go. Instead she took him to a quiet bistro with a private table. They had a couple of mixed drinks and Harvey enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Annabelle said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?”

Harvey replied with, “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Annabelle turned to him and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” he nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by Harvey’s wife, kids, and dozens of his friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday.”

And Harvey just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked.

[Ringo]

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “I have some really great news!”

I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew she had been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!”

Then she said, “There’s more…”

So I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said…

“Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

[Ringo]

    A flight is on its way to Sydney, when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then informs the blonde that she has only paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

    The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

    The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo who has an economy ticket but is sitting in first class, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.

    The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

    The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

    The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

    He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she then says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

    The pilot replies, “I told her that first class isn’t going to Sydney.”

[Ringo]

This one goes out to all the people with in-laws that drive them crazy. This story is for you!

A Jewish man was leaving a Staten Island convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man raised his eyebrows. He’d never seen anything like it â€" two hearses and hundreds of men walking in line â€" and after a while his curiosity got the better of him.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”

”I see, my condolences. What happened to her?”

“She yelled at me, and suddenly my dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further, “Ah. And who is in the second hearse?”

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked, “Can I borrow the dog?”

The Italian man replied, “Get in line.”

[Ringo]

    A pastor entered his prize donkey in a race and it won!

    The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.

    The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

    The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR’S ASS.

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .

    The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

    The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

    The next day the headlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

    They buried the Bishop the next day.

It’s not offensive at all, if you can keep your mind out of the gutter!

[Ringo]

    A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

    “What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

    “It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

    “I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

    “Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

    “Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

    “Well, we were on the fifth tee â€" and this hole is a monster, Mother â€" 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

    “Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

    “No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

    “Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.

    “But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

    “So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

    “Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

    The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …

    “You missed the fâ€" putt, didn’t you?”

[Ringo]

Was tempted to modify to use FF members but discretion is better.     

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly.

    The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were longtime members of a hunting camp.

    Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

    The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain’t Stanley.”

    The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”

    The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Stanley.”

    The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

    Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two assholes.”

    “What! Two assholes?” asked the mortician.

    “Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two assholes.”