Jokes

[Ringo]

Enjoy the political sattire

[Ringo]

    A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree.

    He called a gorilla removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

    “Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner, “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground.

    The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on.”

    “Ok, got it,” the homeowner replied, “but… what’s that shotgun for?”

    “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” the man said, “shoot the Chihuahua.”

[Ringo]

    Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a small plane landing at their ‘secret’ base.

    They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

    The Air Force started a full background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy.

    They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

    The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same plane showed up again. Once again, the soldiers surrounded the plane… Only this time there were two people in the plane.

    The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

[Ringo]

Joe was an old-fashioned man, and wasn’t exactly out there walking in Pride parades in his free time. One day at breakfast, his oldest daughter gathered up her courage and decided to come out of the closet.

“Dad, I have to tell you something: I’m a lesbian.”

The father put down his newspaper and looked at her. “Hmm… are you sure?”

“Yes, Dad.”

The dad looked a little uneasy, but remained calm and said, “Okay, well, no matter what, you’re still my daughter.”

Upon seeing that the father’s reaction wasn’t as bad as she had feared, the younger sister Lisa also piped up, “Dad, I’m a lesbian too.”

The dad frowned and loudly exclaimed, “Damn it, doesn’t anyone in this house like boys?”

The son raised his hand.

[Ringo]

7 year old little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

“Not yet,” said little Johnny.

“There’ll be no breakfast until you’ve done your chores, young man,” she tells him.

Little Johnny gets a little sulky at this, so when he goes to feed the chickens, he kicks one of them to take out his frustration on something.

He goes to feed the cows, and while doing so he kicks a cow. On the way back to the house he goes to feed the pigs, and kicks a pig who happens to get in his way.

He goes back in for breakfast, but to his surprise his mother only gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk for a week.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and almost trips over the cat. His father regains his balance, turns around and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

[Ringo]

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. â€"
    Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to water my garden.
    As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
    I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

    As I start toward the garage,
    I notice mail on the porch table that
    I brought up from the mail box earlier.

    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys on the table,
    put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
    and notice that the can is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills
    back
    on the table and take out the garbage first.

    But then I think,
    since I’m going to be near the mailbox
    when I take out the garbage anyway,
    I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my check book off the table,
    and see that there is only one check left.
    My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
    so I go inside the house to my desk where
    I find the
    can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

    I’m going to look for my checks,
    but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
    so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

    The Pepsi is getting warm,
    and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
    a vase of flowers on the counter
    catches my eyeâ€"they need water.

    I put the Pepsi on the counter and
    discover my reading glasses that
    I’ve been searching for all morning.
    I decide I better put them back on my desk,
    but first I’m going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter,
    fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
    Someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
    I’ll be looking for the remote,
    but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
    so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
    but first I’ll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers,
    but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

    So, I set the remote back on the table,
    get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then, I head down the hall trying to
    remember what I was planning to do.
    At the end of the day:
    the car isn’t washed
    the bills aren’t paid
    there is a warm can of
    Pepsi sitting on the counter
    the flowers don’t have enough water,
    there is still only 1 check in my check book,
    I can’t find the remote,
    I can’t find my glasses,
    and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
    Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
    I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
    and I’m really tired.

    I realize this is a serious problem,
    and I’ll try to get some help for it,
    but first I’ll check my e-mail….

    Do me a favor.
    Forward this message to everyone you know,
    because I don’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.

    Don’t laugh â€" if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!

[Ringo]

Two rules: Nobody is better than anybody; and everybody love everybody!

An American on vacation in Paris is having breakfast at a cafe one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.

The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: “You American folk eat the whole bread?”

American: “Of course.”

Frenchman keeps loudly chewing his gum, and says, “We don’t. In France, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, remake them into croissants and sell them to the States.”

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: “Do you eat jelly with your bread?”

American: “Of course.”

The Frenchman keeps chewing his gum, and says, “We don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, remake them into jam, and sell the jam to the States.”

After a moment of silence, the American then asks: “Do you have sex in France?”

Frenchman: “Why of course we do,” he says with a big smirk.

American: “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”

Frenchman: “We throw them away, of course.”

American: “We don’t. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.”

[Ringo]

3 cheers for the farmer

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.

“I don’t care, just do something about these crazy drivers!”

So the next day, the county workers erected a sign that said, “SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING”

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”

So, again, the sheriff sent out the county workers and they put up a new sign: “SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY”

But that sped the drivers up even more!

So the farmer kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.

Finally, the farmer said to the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

The sheriff was ready to let the man do just about anything if it would get him to stop calling every day. He said, “Sure thing, put up whatever you want.”

And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks later, the sheriff’s curiosity got the best him and he decided to give the farmer a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy,” he said, hanging up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign. … It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers …”

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer’s house, and his jaw nearly hit the floor at what he saw.

There, printed neatly on a sheet of plywood was the farmer’s sign:

“SLOW: NUDIST COLONY â€" WATCH FOR CHICKS”

[Ringo]

    A man, 75-year-old Earl, walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist, an uptight lady, said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

    “There’s something wrong with my johnson,” he replied. Several people turned their heads to look at him, surprised.

    The receptionist, embarrassed at the situation, said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

    “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” Earl said.

    The receptionist replied, “Now you have caused needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

    The man replied, “You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.” He then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

    The receptionist smiled smugly. “Yes?”

    “There’s something wrong with my ear,” Earl stated loudly.

    The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he had taken her advice. “What is wrong with your ear, sir?”

    “I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

    The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[Ringo]

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I think it’s safe to say wives and husbands get on each others nerves, and sometimes it’s intentional. But, maybe the men enjoy it a little more than the women. Here’s one husband’s account of how he successfully gets on his wife’s nerves:

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started….

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And that’s when the fight started….

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s when the fight started….

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started….

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” said my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And that’s when the fight started….

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”
And that’s when the fight started….

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s when the fight started….

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

    Agnes married and had 13 children.

    When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.

    Again, her husband passed away. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children before her third husband died as well.

    Alas, she herself died eventually.

    Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman. “Lord, at long last, they are finally together,” he announced solemnly.

    One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

    The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

[Ringo]

    A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.

    A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk front. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.” The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

    Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention, please,” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.”

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “F*** you!”

    Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

[Ringo]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

[Ringo]

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years but I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … And then your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today…ughhh that was the last straw!

Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, I had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate quickly in just 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, Later for you….I’m gone!

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

His now ex-wife responded in kind…

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. In the hellish 7 years that we have been married, a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone…and all I found was your lousy letter.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. By the way, I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was actually born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!