Jokes

[Ringo]

One for the oldies

[Ringo]

This one is for all the married people who need a laugh this morning!

Don’t take life so seriously and make sure you show the world your smile. Life’s too short to be upset all the time.

    A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She suspects that he’s preparing a surprise for her since today is their 20th wedding anniversary, so she puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

    “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “You haven’t been sitting here all night, have you!?”

    The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.”

    She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

    The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly.

    Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

    “Yes, I do,” she replies.

    The husband pauses… The words were not coming easily.

    “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

    “Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued, “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?”

    “I remember that too,” she replied softly…

    He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

[Ringo]

    A pastor entered his prize donkey in a race and it won!

    The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.

    The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

    The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR’S ASS.

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .

    The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

    The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

    The next day the headlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

    They buried the Bishop the next day.

It’s not offensive at all, if you can keep your mind out of the gutter!

[Ringo]

    One day, Timmy comes home early from school, and walks inside to see his mom on top of his dad â€" both naked. Timmy just stares, confused as to what they’re doing.

    The mom says, “Timmy? Go to your room, I’ll be up in a bit.”

    So Timmy goes upstairs to his room. Later his mom comes up and sits down next to him.

    She asks, “Timmy, what did you see?”

    Timmy replies, “I saw you and dad naked, and you were on top of him, bouncing up and down.”

    So, Timmy’s mom thinks about what to tell him, since she has to go grocery shopping and doesn’t have the time to explain sex right now. Then, an idea comes to her mind.

    “Is that all you saw, you have no idea what we were doing?”

    “That’s all I saw and I have no idea.”

    “Well Timmy, when you get older like your father and I, you need to exercise. When your father’s belly gets too big and full of air, we get naked and I go on top of your father. Then I push my hands on his gut, bouncing up and down to take all the air out to make him skinny again.”

    Timmy starts laughing, so his puzzled mother asks him, “What’s so funny?”

    Still giggling, he says, “That’s not going to work! Every time you’re gone, the babysitter just blows him back up again.”

[Ringo]

  Mom really should have let him finish the story before she tried to get tricky! 

Little Johnny sees his daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car, and sees daddy and aunt Jane sharing a ‘passionate moment.’

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and daddy and….” Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look and daddy was giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then daddy…”

At this point, mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for when we’re having dinner. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

“Well, I was at the playground, and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I followed them to see what they were doing, and then I saw how daddy gave aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then aunt Jane helped daddy take off his pants, and then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Jack used to do when daddy was in the Army.”

Then mom fainted.

[Ringo]

    A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.

    “You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me, but there’s always that doubt. There’s always that little doubt.”

    “Yeah, I know what you mean,” his friend replies.

    “Well, buddy, I’ve got to leave on a business trip this weekend, and I wonder… well… would you watch my house while I’m gone? I trust her, it’s just that there’s always that doubt.”

    The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.

    “I’ve got some bad news for you,” says the friend. “The evening after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he took off his shirt and she took off her top and bra. And then the light went out.”

    “Then what happened?” said the husband, his eyes opening wide.

    “Well, I don’t know,” replied the friend, “it was too dark to see.”

    “Damn!” roared the husband. “You see what I mean? There’s always that doubt!”

[Ringo]

Not really a joke as we can all relate to it.

[Ringo]

Clever response, right?

    "An older couple was out in the country on a holiday. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

    Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning ma’am. What are you doing?”

    “Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)

    “You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

    “I’m sorry about that officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

    “Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

    “For reading a book?” asked the woman.

    “Yes, this is a restricted fishing area.”

    The woman throws up her hands, “but I’m not fishing, I’m just reading.”

    “Yes, but you have all the equipment. You’re gonna have to come with me.”

    “If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

    “But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

    “That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

    The game warden says, “Have a nice day, ma’am,” and leaves.

[Ringo]

    A little girl picks up the phone.

    “Hello?”

    “Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?” Daddy asks.

    “No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

    After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But, honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

    “Oh, yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

    Dad takes a second to process this, then speaks. “Uh, OK, then this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

    A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy!”

    “And what happened, honey?” he asked.

    “Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

    “Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?”

    “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

    A long, silent pause.

    Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? … Is this 486-5731?”

Woopsies!

[Ringo]

Not really a joke but obviously sign writer did not think through.

[Ringo]

Hey, makes sense when you think about it!

    Father O’Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St. Peter’s gate, there is another man in front of him in the queue waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, “What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?”

    The man responds “My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city taxi driver for 14 years!”

    “Very well,” says St. Peter, “Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord.”

    St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks “What is your name and what did you accomplish?”

    He responds, “I’m Father O’Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord.”

    “Very well,” says St. Peter, “Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter.”

    “Wait a minute,” says O’Flannagan, “You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?”

    “Well,” St. Peter replied, “We work on a performance scale. While you preached, everyone slept, but when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!”

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

Suspect not everyone will get this Dad Joke.

[Ringo]

It’s just a joke! Don’t worry! Be Happy!

    On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

    After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

    The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”

    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

    “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,'” the medicine man responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

    The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!”

    Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Ringo]