Jokes

[Ringo]

Who wants to be a pre school teacher:

    A kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put his boots on. He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

    When the second boot was on, she was nearly out of breath.

    She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

    She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots back on â€" this time on the right feet.

    He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

    She bit her tongue rather than scream, “Why didn’t you say so earlier?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

    He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

    She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your gloves?”

    He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

[Ringo]

    "Three old Catholic priests got together one evening to discuss their lives.

    One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people’s problems â€" I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”

    The others nodded in agreement. Suddenly, one of them said, “Wait a minute, we can forgive other people’s sins, why don’t we just confess to each other?”

    The others were hesitant at this proposition, but eventually one of them said, “My brothers, I have a great sin to confess: I am an incurable gambler, and sometimes I steal money from the alms box…”

    The others were taken aback by this, but forgave their fellow priest.

    The next one said, “Brother, your sin is nothing compared to mine â€" I’m a lecherous womanizer! There’s not a woman between 15 and 85 in my congregation that I haven’t been with!”

    The others were surprised, but still forgave their fellow priest.

    The third priest, who was 90 years old, was unwilling to confess his greatest sin.

    After some coaxing, he finally said, “Okay then. My brothers, I am a notorious tattletale â€" I can never seem to keep my mouth shut…”

Woops! They should have let him go first!

[Ringo]

Not really a joke but very interesting if the survey is correct:

Seven per cent of Americans â€" about 16 million people â€" believe chocolate milk comes from brown cows.

If only!

[Ringo]

Some times traditions can get you into strife: Luv this example  ;D ;D

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The Chief played it off pretty well…

    A Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”

    “John,” the new seaman replied.

    “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?”

    “Aye, Aye Chief!”

    “Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

    The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”

    “Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …..”

[Ringo]

    Mr Anderson was sitting quietly reading his newspaper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

    “Ouch, what was that for?” he asked.

    “That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied.

    “You’ve got it all wrong. I went to the races two weeks ago, and Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.

    “Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

    Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan. The man bent over and clutched his head.

    The man asked, “What the hell was that for?”

    She replied, “Your horse just called.”

[Ringo]

    An elderly wife from Montana had an appointment with her doctor to ask for advice on how to treat her husband’s lack of sex drive.

    “Have you tried Viagra?” the doctor asked.

    “Not a chance,” the old lady replied, “he doesn’t even take aspirin.”

    “Not a problem,” the doctor replied, “just give him some Montana Viagra.”

    “What’s Montana Viagra?”

    “It’s simple. You discretely put the Viagra into his coffee when he’s not looking. He won’t be able to taste it. Try it out and get back to me in a week and tell me about the results.”

    A week later, the old lady called the doctor.

    “Oh my lord!” she wailed, “Terrible! Just terrible.”

    “Really? What happened?” the doctor replied.

    “I did as you told me, I put the pill into the coffee, and the effect was immediate… he flew up from the chair, and his eyes were positively smoldering. With a quick motion he swept all the cups and the tablecloth from the table, ripped my clothes off and took me then and there on the table. It was a nightmare I tell you, a nightmare.”

    “Oh, I see, but why was it so bad, shouldn’t this be a good thing?” the doctor asked in a worried tone.

    “Oh yes, this was the best thing to happen to me in 25 years! But I can tell you right now, I will never be able to show my face in the downtown Starbucks again!”

[Ringo]

    Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

    They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning â€" though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

    The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”

    They throw the switch and nothing happens. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

    The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”

    They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

    The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

[Ringo]

    Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.

    “Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

    “Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”

    “Actually,” said Gilda, the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

    “Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked Ruth.

    “No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”

    “Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?” Maxine questioned.

    “No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m,” Gilda responded.

    Puzzled with this, Ruth said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

    “I don’t wake up until 7.”

[Ringo]

    Three bulls hear the rancher is bringing another bull onto the ranch, and will most likely be reassigning cows to each one.

    The first bull says to the others, “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

    “I’ve been here three years,” says the second bull, “and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

    “I’ve only been here a year,” the third bull says, “and so far, you guys have only let me have ten cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

    Just then, an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

    Terrified, the bulls immediately change tack. “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend,” the first bull offers.

    “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument,” the second says.

    They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

    “Son, don’t be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to tell the tale,” the first bull urges.

    “Hell, he can have all my cows, the third bull responds. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.”

[Ringo]

Dudge was invited out for a night with “the boys.”

Dudge  told his wife that he’d be home by midnight, “Promise!”

    The hours passed and the beer went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, he headed home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

    Quickly, Dudge realized his wife would probably wake up, so he cuckooed another nine times.

  Dudge was really proud of himself, coming up with such a quick-witted solution, even when completely trashed, to escape a possible conflict.

    The next morning his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew, the man thought, got away with that one!

    She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

    When Dudge asked her why she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shower,’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

Some of the older members will get this one.

[Ringo]

    A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

    The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.

    While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

    At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

    Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

    The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy,’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’

    The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’”

[Ringo]

    A judge was interviewing a blonde woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

    The blonde woman replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

    “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

    “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

    “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

    “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

    He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

    “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

    “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

    “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

    “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

    “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

    “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

[Ringo]

    Dearest Son,

    I’m writing this slow ’cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won’t be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

    This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen ’em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

    The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn’t make the final payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.

    About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don’t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

    Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn’t get the tail gate down.

    Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don’t get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

    Love, Ma