Jokes

[Ringo]

He should have reconsidered his phrasing!

    A 21 year old blonde girl met a large, powerfully built bodybuilder at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.

    The body builder takes off his shirt, and while doing so, he exclaims, “Boom!”

    The blonde says, “What a great chest you have!”

    He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby!”

    He then rips off his pants, once again yelling, “Boom!”

    The blonde is impressed and says, “My, what massive calves you have!”

    The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby.”

    He then rips off his underwear, and exclaims “Boom!”

    The blonde goes running out of the apartment, screaming in fear.

    The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

    The blonde replies, “I didn’t want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!”

[Ringo]

Time flies when you’re having fun!

    Late one evening, a woman came home from work after a long day at the office. When she walked into the kitchen, she found her husband walking around wielding a fly swatter.

    “Albert, what are you doing?” she asked.

    “I’m hunting flies,” he said.

    “Oh, I see. Did you kill any?” she asked.

    “Yep, three males two females,” he replied in a confident tone.

    The woman was intrigued by her husband’s apparent fly knowledge.

    She asked, “But how can you tell the difference between males and females?”

    He replied, “Easy. Three were on the beer can and two were on the phone.”

[upthemaidens]

Cop: "Turn around."
Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never comin' round."
Cop: "TURN AROUND."
Me: "Every now...."
  *gets tased*

[Ringo]

    A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

    “Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?”

    The bride-to-be said, “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”

    “Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning.”

    “WELL!,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

    You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

    My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”

    “What about your third husband?”

    “That one was a politician “, said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be…but nothing ever happened.”

[Ringo]

A farmer was cruising through his rural town when he got pulled over speeding. What followed was an exchange that is sure to have you cracking up.

    An old farmer gets pulled over by a state trooper.

    The officer lectures him on how irresponsible it is to be speeding, and does everything he can to get the farmer off-balance.

    While the trooper is filling out a form, he keeps swatting at a swarm of flies around him.

    The farmer says, “Having trouble with them circle flies, officer?”

    The trooper replies, “Yeah â€" why do call them circle flies?”

    The farmer says, “Well, they’re usually seen circling round the back end of horses.”

    “Ah, I see,” the trooper replies absentmindedly.

    After a minute, the trooper looks up from his paperwork and says indignantly, “Wait a minute. Are you calling me a horse’s ass?”

    The farmer says “Oh no officer, I’ve got too much respect for the police to do that.”

    “Good,” the trooper says.

    The farmer continued, “Hard to fool them circle flies though…”

[Ringo]

    A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

    “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

    “Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered.

    “On a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker, smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.” I yelled, “Now back off!! Or I’ll kick the heck out of all of you!!”

    St. Peter was impressed. He asked, “When did this happen?”

    “Just a couple of minutes ago …”

[Ringo]

    Wallace walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

    A lady cashier called out to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.”

    Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

    When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.”

    He zipped up and finished his shopping.

    At the checkout, Wallace intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his “barracks door.”

    He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?”

    The lady, who was a bit sharper than the man, thought for a moment and said, “No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old Duffel bags.”

[Ringo]

    A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.

    The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

    Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
    “I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want 100 dollars, and there’s another condition”.

    Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
    “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

    The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand.

    He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly:
    “Paint my house.”

That’s three words. LOL!

[Ringo]

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

“In fact I do,” said the man, “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

“This is very interesting,” replied the doctor, “Let me do some research and get back to you.”

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh, that old buzzard,” she replied, “That’s because the first time is usually in December and the second time in July.”

[Ringo]

s Grandma knows how to handle a little misbehavior!

    A couple of parents are out of town celebrating their wedding day, and ask grandma to keep an eye on their teenage daughter.

    It’s Friday evening and the teenage grandchild is getting ready for a date. When the girl walks down the stairs, the grandma is chocked to see that she is wearing a see-through blouse without anything underneath.

    “You wouldn’t dare go out dressed like that!” she says to the girl.

    “Relax, grandma,” the girl says, “It’s 2017, it’s okay to let your rosebuds show a bit.” The girl quickly runs out of the house before the grandma can get a word in edgewise.

    On the next day the girl walks down the stairs again, but is shocked to see her grandma sitting there without any clothes on her upper body.

    The girl is incredibly embarrassed by the sight, and tells grandma that she has invited some friends over, and asks her to put on some clothes so it won’t be awkward.

    “Relax, honey,” the grandma says, “if you can show your rosebuds, then what’s wrong with me showing my hanging plants?”

[Ringo]

Love this one - How to get back at Car Salesman

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price.

After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they set down to do the paperwork.

The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, “This isn’t the price I saw!”

The salesman went on to tell the old wise farmer how he was getting extras such as power steering, power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that was what took the price up. The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, “My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?”

The farmer replied, “Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 a piece. Come and look at them and take your pick.”

The salesman said he and his son would be right out.

After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer’s cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.

The farmer said, “Now wait a minute, that’s not the final price of the cow. You’re getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too.”

“What extras?” asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:

    BASIC COW â€" $500.00
    Two-tone exterior â€" $45.00
    Extra stomach â€" $75.00
    Product storing equipment â€" $60.00
    Straw compartment â€" $120.00
    4 spigots @$10 each â€" $40.00
    Leather upholstery â€" $125.00
    Dual horns â€" $45.00
    Automatic fly swatter â€" $38.00
    Fertilizer attachment â€" $185.00
    Grand Total â€" $1,233.00

[Ringo]

    A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

    The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.”

    After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Syria.”

    The nun said, “I understand completely.”

    The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

    The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen another ‘great pair.’ I don’t want to go to Syria either.”

[Ringo]

Warning: A Little crude.

    "An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

    They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

    After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

    Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”

    And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”

    Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.

    Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”

    “No. I’m Swedish.”

[HoleMeal]

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?"

[HoleMeal]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the barman says "Hey we have a drink that's named after you!"

The grasshopper looks at him and frowns and says "Called Kevin??"