Jokes

[Ringo]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

[Ringo]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."
The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."
Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[Ringo]

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

[Ringo]

    Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

    Ruth pulled out a condom, cut off the end, slipped it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

    “What’s that?” asked Gilda.

    “A condom,” Ruth replied. “This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

    “Where did you get it?”

    “You can get them at any drugstore,” Ruth said.

    The next day, Gilda hobbled herself into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a box of condoms.

    The guy, obviously embarrassed, looked at her strangely â€" she was, after all, over 80 years old â€" but very delicately asked what brand she preferred.

    “Doesn’t matter, son,” Gilda answered, “as long as it fits a Camel.”

[Ringo]

    John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!”

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night”

    She said, “Oh, that’s great! And what was your toast?”

    John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife.”

    “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

    She nodded and said, “Yes, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

[Ringo]

    A man was having computer problems.

    So he called Eric, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

    Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

    As he was walking away, the man called after him, “So, what was wrong?”

    He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

    The man didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.”

    Eric grinned, “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

    “No,” he replied.

    Eric told him to write it down and he’d figure it out.

    So the man wrote down: ID10T

    He used to like Eric, know he thinks he’s a little jerk.

[Ringo]

 A good example of why you should always think before you speak!

    A manager at a grocery store had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four women in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

    The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you can think of?”

    The first woman replied, “A thought! It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.”

    “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And, now you, what’s the fastest thing you can think of?” he asked the second woman.

    “Hmmm, let’s see… A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”

    “Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”

    He then turned to the third woman, who was contemplating her reply.

    “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”

    The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found the person for the job. “True, it’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.

    The interviewer then turned to the fourth candidate, who was a 19 year old blonde, and posed the same question.

    She replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing is diarrhea.”

    “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

    “Oh sure,” said the blonde, “you see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already crapped my pants.”

[Ringo]

    A teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

    Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”

    The teacher said, “That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’”

    Sally raised her hand and said, “My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.”

    The teacher said, “Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’”

    Little Johnny raised his hand.

    The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

    Johnny said loudly, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons.”

    The teacher said, “That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word ‘fascinate’ in your sentence.”

    Little Johnny continued, “But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!”

[Ringo]

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, “I have a reason to thank the Lord.”

“Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.”

“The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain.”

“We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.”

“They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is “sternum.”

[Ringo]

Sorry Dad Jokes:

A truck carrying Vapour Rub has overturned. Police say they aren't expecting congestion on the motorway.

Donald Trump has banned the sale of grated cheese in America. When asked reason Trump replied "To make America "grate" again.

My girlfriend told me she wanted to walk down the aisle so I sent her grocery shopping.

[Ringo]

Smart kid!

    Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

    The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

    “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.

    “An ambulance just drove by.”

    A few moments passed.

    “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.

    “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”

    Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

    “Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

[Ringo]

Hey, at least he’s got a reason for it! Leave it to kids to put a new spin on what they hear on TV. FUNNY!

    Two little boys go to the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is five years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout.

    The cashier asks, “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”

    The nine-year-old replies, “Nope, not for my mom.”

    The cashier responds, “Well, they must be for your sister then?”

    The nine year old quickly replies, “Nope, not for my sister either.”

    The cashier has now become curious. “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?”

    The nine year old says, “They’re for my little brother. He’s five years old.”

    The cashier is surprised. “Your five year old little brother? Are you sure he need tampons?”

    The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can’t do either of them!”


Probably a good reason why these adds should not be played in kids time.

[Ringo]

People think I am crazy talking to my dogs all the time.

What am I supposed to do then when they ask me a question?

[Ringo]

    A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

    She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”

    “That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

    “No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most â€" cars and men. Therefore, I chose ‘Carmen.'”

    “Is that so?” the man asked, highly amused.

    “It is,” she nodded, then asked, “What’s your name?”

    Without missing a beat, he answered, “B. J. Titsengolf.”

[Ringo]

    A man and his wife are out driving, and get pulled over by a police officer.

    The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What’s the problem, officer?”

    Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”

    Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”

    Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

    Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

    Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”

    Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

    Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”

    Man: “Oh, this? I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

    Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”

    The man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your mouth!”

    The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

    Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”