Jokes

[Ringo]

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You live and learn!

    Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

    Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

    Margaret, 75, looked him over.

    “Nope.”

    Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

    Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

    Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

    Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

    “Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.

    “IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”

    Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

    A 5-year-old boy visited his grandmother one day.

    Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”

    Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

    Grandma later turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

    The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello son, is your grandma home?”

    The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.”

    The minister fainted.

From the mouths of babes, right?

[Ringo]

Sometimes a simple solution leads to some complicated questions. If you know an engineer, somebody who loves math, or even a teacher, they’re all going to get a kick out of this joke!

    Two mathematicians were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A female engineer walked by and asked what they were doing.

    “We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said one, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

    The engineer took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.

    One mathematician shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

[Ringo]

    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

    She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”

    To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”

    She looks into his eyes, then says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

He should have taken a second look before speaking… LOL!

[Ringo]

LOL! He couldn’t keep it together…

    A heavily pregnant lady got on a bus one day. She was sitting down when she noticed the man sat across from her was oddly smiling her way.

    Feeling a little freaked out, she moved to another seat.

    This time the man’s smile turned in to a full blown grin. So she moved seats again, trying to get away from his creepy presence.

    Somehow, he seemed even more amused.

    When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out with uncontrollable laughter. Afraid and infuriated, the pregnant woman complained to the driver and they had the man arrested.

    The day of court finally arrived. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

    He replied: “Well your Honor, it was like this:

    When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned because I found it funny.

    Then when she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.

    Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself. It was too much!

    But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’ … I just lost it.”

    “CASE DISMISSED!!”

[Ringo]

    A little old Texas lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

    “Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”

    “Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.

    Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

    “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “At least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.”

    And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

    “If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”

    The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon. I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

More than he bargained for. That’s for sure!

[Ringo]

It’s a little blue but it’s still pretty darn funny!

    A man wanted to last longer during sex, so he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”

    He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

    Finally, he realized his solution.

    On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the trucks undercarriage.

    Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

    Thinking that the car’s undercarriage was a bit of a turn-off, he firmly closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

    Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”

    He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”

    The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

    Then he heard the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

[Ringo]

    Little Johnny sees his daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car, and sees daddy and aunt Jane sharing a ‘passionate moment.’

    Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

    “Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and daddy and….” Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

    So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look and daddy was giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then daddy…”

    At this point, mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for when we’re having dinner. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

    At the dinner table, mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

    “Well, I was at the playground, and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I followed them to see what they were doing, and then I saw how daddy gave aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then aunt Jane helped daddy take off his pants, and then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Jack used to do when daddy was in the Army.”

    Then mom fainted.

[Ringo]

[PowerBug]

^ funny now but kids will be talking that very soon :P

[nas]

SCOTTISH GOLF SIGN!!

This is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK

1.  BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT

2..  FEET SHOULDER-WIDTH APART

3.  FORM A LOOSE GRIP

4.  KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

5.  STAY OUT OF THE WATER

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE

7.  IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU

8.  DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS

9.  QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING

10.  DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE!

NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,

GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

[nas]

United Airlines Slogans.......New slogans for United Airlines

We have First Class, Business Class, and No Class.

Our prices cant be beaten...but our passengers can.

We put the hospital in hospitality.

We beat our passengers, not the competition.

We have an offer you cant refuse. No, really.

Board as a doctor, leave as a patient.

Not enough seating? Prepare for a beating.

And you thought legroom was an issue.

If our staff need a seat, well drag you out by your feet.

We treat you like we treat your luggage.

Fight or flight.

You may have patients, but we don't have patience.

We have red-eye and black-eye flights available.

Now serving free punch.

[nas]

 A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit, jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
 
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says," Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns
and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can?*  *What did you spray on the Easter Bunny? The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says,

Are you ready for this? You know you're gonna be sorry.

It says,

"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

[Ringo]

Newsflash

President Trump has banned the sale of shredded cheese in the US.

When questioned why:
Trump said "Part of my Strategy to make America Great ("Grate") Again"