Jokes

[Ringo]

Love the punchline in this one:

        The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

    Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

    OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

    “Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,”Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

[Ringo]

    Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 p.m. news was coming on.

    The news crew was covering the story of a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a large building. The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

    Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

    The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!” Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

    Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.”

    The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
   
Bob took the money.

[Ringo]

Been a few days but really like this one.

TOO FUNNY!

    A young woman had a flat tire on the interstate.

    She eased her car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk.

    She took out two cardboard women, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of her car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

    As she expected, cars started slowing down looking at her lifelike ladies. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting horns and waving like crazy.

    It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind her. He got out of his car and started walking toward her. He was definitely not happy.

    “What’s going on here?” he asked.

    “My car has a flat tire,” the woman said calmly.

    “Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard women doing here by the road?”

    The lady looked flabbergasted that he didn’t know.

    “Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”

[Ringo]

She should have checked first!

    Sister Judy woke up one morning feeling great. She got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.

    On her way over there, she ran into sister Jane. “Hi, Sister Jane,” she greeted her.

    “I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed, Sister,” Jane replied. Judy did not understand what Sister Jane meant by that, so she ignored it and went on her way.

    She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta. “Good morning, Sister Roberta! I am having a great day.”

    “I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed,” Sister Roberta replied mysteriously.

    The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great, so she decided to go and see Mother Superior.

    “Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed, even though I feel great today,” Judy explained, troubled.

    Mother Superior responded,”That is because you have Brother John’s shoes on.”

[Ringo]

TOO FUNNY!

    Wallace walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

    A lady cashier called out to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.”

    Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

    When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.”

    He zipped up and finished his shopping.

    At the checkout, Wallace intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his “barracks door.”

    He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?”

    The lady, who was a bit sharper than the man, thought for a moment and said, “No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old Duffel bags.”

[Ringo]

    A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

    The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

    “Breast-fed,” the woman replied.

    “Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did.

    He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

    Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is underweight! You don’t have any milk.”

    “I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

[Ringo]

Just a little bit of humor to put a smile on your face and maybe brighten your day a little bit.

    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

    The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

    The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

    The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.

    The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”

    The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”

    The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay. Now it’s my turn.”

    The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

[BoredSaint]

Thanks for this thread guys :) Been having a rough day but this has brightened me up ;D

[Ringo]

    One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4 to 6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

    Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6 to 8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

    Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

    The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park …” then the electric power goes out.

    Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

    With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

[Ringo]

A day late but a good St Patricks day joke.

    An Irishman walks into a bar in London, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it,” the bartender tells him, “and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

    The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I ‘ave two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m ‘ere in London. When we all left home, we promised we’d always drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for meself.”

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and gives him his three pints.

    The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them all together, one sip each.

    One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

    When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

    The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife ‘ad us join that Baptist Church and I ‘ad to quit drinking. ‘asn’t affected me brothers though.”

Hey, it’s the thought that counts, right??

[Ringo]

Never underestimate old ladies    :D

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

    Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

    “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

    “Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

    “Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

    A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?

    So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

    Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

    “Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

    “Not everybody pays.”

[nas]

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says,
"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says,
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replies. "You keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says,
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies....

"I Didn't feel a thing."

[nas]

A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse, he mumbled from behind the mask. Are my testicles black?

Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body.

He struggled to ask again: Nurse, are my testicles black?

Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his testicles,
She overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: No sir, they aren't. and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them!!

The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:
Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[Ringo]

True photo taken at mt Tamborine on the weekend.  Yellow highway patrol bikes.

Will give you a laugh,

[Ringo]

Hey, she got what she asked for, right?

    A man, 75-year-old Earl, walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist, an uptight lady, said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

    “There’s something wrong with my johnson,” he replied. Several people turned their heads to look at him, surprised.

    The receptionist, embarrassed at the situation, said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

    “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” Earl said.

    The receptionist replied, “Now you have caused needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

    The man replied, “You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.” He then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

    The receptionist smiled smugly. “Yes?”

    “There’s something wrong with my ear,” Earl stated loudly.

    The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he had taken her advice. “What is wrong with your ear, sir?”

    “I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

    The waiting room erupted in laughter.