Jokes

[monstrum]

"Dietcoke mate" lol nice!!

[T Dog]

I've got an appointment with my optomestrist tomorrow.

Then I've got a disappointment with my pessomestrist..  :o

[nas]

I went to the dentist the other day to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist had a look & proceeded to draw up & prepare an injection.
I said, "No way I hate needles
So he offered me Gas,I said, "No. Can't have gas I get ill from it"
He then walked out & came back & gave me a pill & a glass of water which I consumed.
I said, "That's different. What was that pill called?"
He said, "V i a g r a" I said, "V i a g r a what use is that to me?"
He said, "Well, you;ll need something to hold onto when I start pulling this tooth"

[nas]

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat  food without proof that you have a cat.
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof  that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to  the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier  said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.
A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof  that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the  dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that  would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh it."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Don't mess with old people.

[nas]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from  LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

[DazBurg]

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat  food without proof that you have a cat.
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof  that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to  the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier  said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.
A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof  that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the  dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that  would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh it."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Don't mess with old people.

LOL Gold

[DazBurg]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from  LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

LOL Gold again

[T Dog]

Another new Illness to watch out for.... Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."  8)

[monstrum]

Nice1's  naste  ;D

[T Dog]

I asked a fortuneteller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased her down and beat her with it..... I wonder what the hell she saw in that thing.? :o

[T Dog]

1.  It's a ten minute walk from my house to the pub.
Weirdly, it's a two hour walk from the pub to my house.  ;D

2.   I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.
I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the local  pub.  :D

3.  I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your bum."   8)

[nas]

Dear Boyfriend:

Yeah, you might wear the pants in the relationship, but I control the zipper.
Sincerely,
Girlfriend

[nas]

Indian Names:

      A Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.

      "Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?"

      She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

      Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

      She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

      "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

      "Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

      Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son,

      "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"

[nas]

Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed.
Grandpa hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him with disgust. "You just don't understand do you, you old coot.
The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

[nas]

Shampoo Warning

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY"

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with dish washing liquid instead, because its label reads:

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

PROBLEM SOLVED