Jokes

[Ringo]

 If you’ve ever had to ask for a loan, you’ll enjoy this little joke!

    An old farmer wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. “What have you got for collateral?” queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

    “Don’t know what collateral means.”

    “Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?”

    “Yes, I have a 1979 pickup.”

    The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”

    “Yes, I have a horse.”

    “How old is it?”

    “I don’t know; it has no teeth.”

    Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here’s the money to pay loan,” he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

    “What are you going to do with the rest of that money?”

    “Put it in my pocket.”

    “Why don’t you deposit it in my bank?” he asked.

    “I don’t know what deposit means.”

    “Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.”

    The man leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, “What you got for collateral?”

[Ringo]

One for the ladies and sorry if it offends:

[Ringo]

Know your audience!

    An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

    He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.

    He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

    At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
    3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    Now, think about it seriously, cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

    “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

[nas]

A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.
In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having s*x wiffa wife's sista!!!"

[Ringo]

One for we oldies:

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”

Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.” can you please help me??

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr Young: Aaagh !! “This is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr Young: “Oh no you don’t, â€" that is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young: “My eyesight has become weak â€" I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so â€" “Here’s your $1000 back.”

Dr Young: “But this is only $500…”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story â€" Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer ” !!!!

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

My reasoning also.

[nas]

A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a  Leyland P76, a Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats. voted for the State Labor Party.  Then I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard."

"How am I doing so far?"

[nas]

John told his wife, "I've got a problem."

She stopped him right there, cold in his tracks. "No dear, WE have a problem. We're in this together John.

We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our problem."

John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning."

But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John tell me. What's wrong?"

John answered, "Somehow, we got your sister pregnant!"

[Ringo]

Now, I know I can relate to this one. Hopefully some of you will as well. TOO FUNNY!!

    Earl feared his wife Maxine wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

    Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

    The doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform to get a better idea about her hearing loss.

    “Here’s what you do,” said the doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

    That evening, Maxine was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

    So in a normal tone he asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

    No response.

    So Earl moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeated, “Maxine, what’s for dinner?” Still no response.

    Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again, he got no response.

    So, Earl walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Once more, there was no response.

    He walked right up behind her. “Maxine, what’s for dinner?”

    “Damn it, Earl, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!”

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

We’d bet this police officer didn’t expect to hear THIS when he stopped a biker on a Harley.

    An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. “Fred,” the man replies.

    “Fred what?” the officer asks.

    “Just Fred,” the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket, but he still presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

    The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me.

    I was born Fred Johnson.

    I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

    Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

    Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

    Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”

    The officer walked away in tears, laughing. Fred did not get a ticket or a warning.

[Ringo]

That’s a bet he should have never taken!

    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

    “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

    The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

    Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

    The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    “Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

    “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

    Don’t mess with old people!

[Ringo]

This one is priceless:

    An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

    The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. He yelled, “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell  phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”

    The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.

    “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few
    questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!”

    He then began his series of questions:

    Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”

    Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.”

    Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re
    traveling at 180 mph?”

    Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.”

    Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down?”

    Aircraft: “The shower in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

[Ringo]

Must be a small town!

    During a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

    She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot, when you haven’t got the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

    She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state… Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

    The defense attorney nearly died on the spot.

    Suddenly, the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said… “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”