Jokes

[nas]

One day, Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate.
Since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The s*x was good but all the dove would say is  'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very s*xy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the s*x was good but all the loon would say is

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
This time the s*x was great, but all the duck would say was

NO, The duck didn't say THAT!

The duck said

'I am a DRAKE, You made a MISTAKE!!

[nas]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that
when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[Ringo]

    In the back woods of Scotland, Ian’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

    To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

    “Whoa there Ian!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s another wee one to come yet.”

    Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

    “No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad… It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.

    Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: “Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”

[Ringo]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class: “Who can tell me, which human organ becomes 10 times bigger when it’s stimulated?”

Maria stood up, bright red and angry, and said “How can you ask such a question? I’m telling my parents and they’re going to get you fired!”

The teacher was shocked by the outburst, but decided to ignore it. She asked the class again, “Who can tell me, which human organ becomes 10 times bigger when it’s stimulated?”

This time Thomas responded, “The answer is the iris in the human eye.”

“Very good, Thomas. Thank you,” replied the teacher who then turned her gaze on Maria.

“Maria, I need to tell you three things. First, you obviously have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear that one day you will be very, very disappointed.”

[Ringo]

Talk about a miscommunication!

    Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. “I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”

    The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call. “Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?”

    “Yes. Speaking.”

    “This is the Atlanta Electric Company. You’re a month overdue!”

    “How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.

    “Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy.

    “What are you saying? It’s in your files?! HOW?”

    “Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”

    “GOD! This is too much. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak with your company tomorrow.”

    That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the AEC office the next day morning. “What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?! What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.

    “Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”

    “PAY you? And if I refuse?”

    “Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”

    “And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.

    “I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”

[Ringo]

    An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

    Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”

    Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

    An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”

    “No, sweetheart,” she responds.

    Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”

    “Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

    “One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.

    “Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

    The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”

    The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

[Ringo]

    A retired gentleman went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

    After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

    He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

    He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked.

    “Unbutton your shirt,” the woman requested. So he opened his shirt, revealing a chest full of curly silver hair.

    “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” the lady announced, and she processed his Social Security application.

    When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

    “You should have dropped your pants,” his wife replied, “you might have qualified for disability, too.”

[Ringo]

    A heavily pregnant lady got on a bus one day. She was sitting down when she noticed the man sat across from her was oddly smiling her way.

    Feeling a little freaked out, she moved to another seat.

    This time the man’s smile turned in to a full blown grin. So she moved seats again, trying to get away from his creepy presence.

    Somehow, he seemed even more amused.

    When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out with uncontrollable laughter. Afraid and infuriated, the pregnant woman complained to the driver and they had the man arrested.

    The day of court finally arrived. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

    He replied: “Well your Honor, it was like this:

    When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned because I found it funny.

    Then when she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.

    Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself. It was too much!

    But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’ … I just lost it.”

    “CASE DISMISSED!!”

[Ringo]

    As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

    So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

    Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

    About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

    She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

    The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

[nas]

A man walks into a chemist shop with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the Boy asks, 'What  are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe s*x.''

Oh  I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at  school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

Cool' says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
Those are for college men,' the dad  answers, TWO  for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those  are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.

[nas]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.

[Ringo]

    A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

    He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”

    The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”

    “Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”

    The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull-sh*ttin’ me!”

    The social worker said, “Yeah, well.. You started it…

[Ringo]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

[Ringo]

This Mom knows what’s up!

    Mike invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Mike’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Mike’s roommate Jennifer was.

    Mike’s mom had long been suspicious of the ‘platonic’ relationship between Mike and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Mike and Jennifer than met the eye.

    Reading his mom’s thoughts, Mike volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.”

    About a week later, Jennifer came to Mike saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

    Mike said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.” So he sat down and sent her a message:

    “Dear Mom,

    I’m not saying that you did take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Love, Mike”

    Several days later, Mike received an email back from his mother that read:

    “Dear Son,

    I’m not saying that you do sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you do not sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

    Love, Mom”

[Ringo]

   
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”

The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.”