Jokes

[Ringo]

I can’t say I blame him…

    A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater, as people were taking their seats for the show. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

    The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.

    “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

    Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher, who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

    In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

    Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “Alright buddy, what’s your name?”

    “Sam,” the man moaned.

    “Where ya from, Sam?”

    With pain in his voice, Sam replied “… the balcony.”

[nas]

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?"

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, "Hair on his chest? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."

When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: "Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?"

The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: "Hair on his legs? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."

The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs:

"Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half! What should I do?"

The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says:

"A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I'll go upstairs."

[nas]

 A gynaecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A". After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…

“Well, doc, it’s like this â€" first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

[nas]

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have s*x in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australian?s turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?

[Ringo]

How many will be taken in by this

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

From the mouths of babes…

    A policeman on a horse approaches a little girl on a bicycle and says, “Nice bike you’ve got there. Did Santa bring you that?”

    “Yep,” replies the little girl.

    “Well, tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” he says, and fines her $5 for it.

    The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there. Did Santa bring you that?”

    The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”

    “Well,” says the little girl, “next year tell Santa that the dâ€"ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

[nas]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform them if there is s*x after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion, Marion "

"Is that you, Tom?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have s*x. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have s*x again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s*x a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have s*x the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more s*x until late at night.

I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Tom! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere near Mildura.

[Ringo]

This one isn’t for those of y’all that are easily offended!

    A mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married within a short space of time.

    Mum was a bit worried about what their early experiences would be like. She therefore made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoon destinations, with a few words on how marital sex felt.

    The 1st girl sent a card from Hawaii, two days after her wedding. The card said nothing but: ‘Nescafe.’

    Mum was puzzled at first, but off she went to her kitchen to get out the Nescafe jar; it said ‘Good till the last drop.’ She blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

    The 2nd girl sent a card from Atlanta, a week after her own wedding. The card read: ‘Rothmans.’

    Mum dashed straight to her husband’s pack of cigarettes and she read from the pack: ‘Extra Long, King Size.’ She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

    The 3rd girl was in Cape Town for her honeymoon. Nothing was heard from her until all of 30 days later. Mother had begun to entertain a measure of apprehension.

    On the 31st day, her postcard finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: ‘South African Airways.’

    Mum desperately rummaged through the waste bin for the ticket jacket her daughter had discarded before her departure.

    Fearing the worst, she finally found the ad for South African Airways and read: ‘Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’

    Mum fainted.

[Ringo]

He wasn’t expecting to hear THIS! LOL!

   " A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

    Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

    About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”

    Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

    Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before die.”

    She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time.

    After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death and tosses and turns until he’s down to 4 more hours.

    He taps his wife, who rouses.

    “Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could…”

    At this point, the wife sits up and says,”Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”

[nas]

John, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Nick Faldo so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them.

He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the misses.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Mary at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, John stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Mary, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Mary looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "John, what's different?  It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, John yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARY?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES"!

Without missing a beat old Mary replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"

[nas]

A flat-chested young lady went to a popular surgeon known for "no scars" about enlarging her breasts.

To her shock, Dr. Bosley advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!" He guaranteed success and, figuring she had nothing to lose, she did what he told her to do faithfully for several months.

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said quietly, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She apparently didn't say it quietly enough, though, since a guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked "Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Bosley?'

"Yes I am," she said, a bit embarrassed. "How did you know?"

He winked and whispered, "Hickory d*ckory dock.

[Ringo]

For the golfers just a joke to lighten your afternoon! Try not to be a grouch!

    A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

    “What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

    “It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

    “I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

    “Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

    “Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

    “Well, we were on the fifth tee â€" and this hole is a monster, Mother â€" 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

    “Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

    “No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

    “Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.

    “But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

    “So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

    “Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

    The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …

    “You missed the fâ€" putt, didn’t you?”