Jokes

[nas]

 An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesias, he asked to speak  to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife

[nas]

My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

[nas]

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to death on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class, now, I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.

"Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question?'," asked the teacher.

Little Pham Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare.'

'Well done!,' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I  will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher, 'The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

Little Fy Sum Kat also at the front yelled out, "I believe it was Martin Luther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."

"No thank you miss. I am of Chinese origin and we also do not take time off school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too," said little Fy Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then, she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "flowering Immigrants!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

Little Johnny yelled, "Donald Trump! See ya on Tuesday!!!!"

[Ringo]

A few Student answers  :D

[Ringo]

    One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley, “My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

    “Listen, Bob, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Stan replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

    So, Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctor’s certificate for your employer.”

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.

    He then went back to Walmart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.

    In ten seconds the computer prints the following: “1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant â€" twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don’t stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.

    And, as always… Thank you for shopping at Walmart

[nas]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope, just when it's raining.

[nas]

On the first day at the new senior complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.  Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.  Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.  Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:  "How much for a season pass?"

[Ringo]

" A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign hanging in the entrance, which says “FREE BEER FOR WHOEVER CAN PASS THE TEST!”

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

The bartender replies, “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila â€" the whole thing at once â€" and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth… you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.”

The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.”

But as time passes and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teqeelah?”

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with big slurps, tears streaming down his face.

Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. “Now,” he groans, “where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”

[Ringo]

    On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

    After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

    The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”

    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

    “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,'” the medicine man responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

    The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!”

    Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[Ringo]

    A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work â€" not aware that her 9-year-old son is hiding in the closet.

    Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

    “Dark in here,” the boy whispers.
    “Yes, it is,” the man replies awkwardly.
    “I have a baseball. Want to buy it?”
    “No, thanks.”
    “My dad’s outside.”
    “Okay, how much?”
    “$250.”

    A few weeks later, the same thing happens, and the boy and the mom’s lover find themselves in the closet together.

    “Dark in here.”
    “Yes, it is.”
    “I have a baseball glove. Want to buy it?”
    “No, thanks.”
    “I’ll tell.”
    “How much?”
    “$750.”

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”

    “I can’t,” the boy replies. “I sold them.”

    “How much did you sell them for?” the dad asks.

    “$1,000,” the boy proudly announces.

    “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that,” the father says, shocked. “That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

    At church that Sunday, the father alerts the priest, makes his child sit in the confession booth, and closes the door.

    “Dark in here,” the boy says.

    The priest replies, “Don’t start that sh*t again.”

[nas]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin

[nas]

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book has helped you most in your life?"
She replied, "My husband's cheque book."

A prospective husband in a book-store enquired, "Do you have a book called, "Husband  the Master of the House"?
The sales-girl promptly replied,  "Yes sir, 'Fiction' and 'Humour' are on the 1st floor."

Someone asked an old man, "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey' and  'Love'."
What's the secret ?
The old man replied, "I've forgotten her bloody name and I'm too scared to ask."

A man in Hell asked the Devil, "Can I make a call to my wife?"
After making the call he asked how much he had to pay. The Devil replied, "Nothing; in-house calls are free."

The wife said, "I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day."
The husband replied, "I wish that you were a newspaper too so I would get a new one every day."

The husband said to his wife, "Today is a fine day!"
The next day he said, "Today is a fine day!"
Again, the next day, he said the same thing: "Today is a fine day."
After a week, the wife became irritated and asked her husband,
"Since last week, you have been saying, 'Today is a fine day!"  I am fed up with it. Why are you doing it?"
The husband said, "Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I'll leave you one fine day'.

I was just reminding you"

[nas]

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession to make - I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yea ... I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed, and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone, and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out, what the par is for this damn hole."