Jokes

[Ringo]

Get in the festive spirit with these 10 classic, corny Christmas jokes.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?
A: They have too many needles

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Ice crispies

What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: You get tinsel-it is

What do elves learn in school?
A: The elf-abet

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A:  A Christmas quacker

What do grapes sing at Christmas?
A: 'Tis the season to be jelly

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has noel

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A: A cookie sheet

What's red and white, red and white, red and white?
A: Santa Claus rolling down the hill

Why did Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve?
A: He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone

[Ringo]

Just when you thought puns could not get any worse

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh, that?” she said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

[nas]

It's all about " grammar and punctuation " .....

Once there were 3 sisters - Ann, Jan and F*nny.   All 3 had big feet.

Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and F*nny was a size 13.

Ann and Jan went on a double date.

Amazed, one of the boys said,  - "God, you two have  big feet."

Ann replied, "You think they're big, you should see our F*nny's,

[nas]

I called an old Fan Footy friend "Grazz" and asked what was he doing.
He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".
I was impressed!!
On further enquiring I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water, under "Karen's" supervision.

[nas]

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have s*x with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but, after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse, she pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious" she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

[Ringo]

Do you fart in bed ? If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

What do you mean? asked his wife.

Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in..

[Bill Manspeaker]

hahaha very good  :P

[nas]

A  man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.  It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.  There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.  Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too. Getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest barbie on Earth!' 'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky?
I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'. 'Dang me,' says the bingo caller.
'You've won the meat raffle as well !!

[nas]

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few Seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Vicki is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.

[nas]

I saw a chap with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a veterinary surgeon, therefore I drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists and proctologists there are on the roads.

[nas]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender,  "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles.
Don't we, Jim?"  Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British cr*p," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[Ringo]

Very Funny Golfing Joke.

    A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

    Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

    She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

    He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”

    Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

    He finished his round and went to the clubhouse, where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

    The bartender said that she was a saleswoman and played the course often.

    He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

    She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

    “No, I won’t.”

    “Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

    With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

    She said, “See? I knew you would laugh.”

    “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H. So I’m still a hole behind you!”

[nas]

After 100 years lying on the seabed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.