Jokes

Ringo · December 11, 2016, 09:56:24 AM

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?
A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.

Ringo · December 12, 2016, 01:57:24 PM

A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

Ringo · December 13, 2016, 02:00:03 PM

How is Christmas like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

nrich102 · December 13, 2016, 02:34:08 PM

I bought a boomerang off a ghost the other day...that will come back to haunt me.

Ringo · December 14, 2016, 04:14:31 PM

Couple of Dad Jokes:

1. Been offered 8 legs of venison for $40.

Is that two dear?

2. I want a job cleaning mirrors.

It's something I could really see myself doing!

3. I hate elevators so much, I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

Ringo · December 15, 2016, 10:46:22 AM

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularlyâ€¦ and for the same reason.

Ringo · December 15, 2016, 09:16:00 PM

Let the Christmas season jokes start:

Ringo · December 17, 2016, 08:24:59 PM

Dear Santa

Please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. And please don't mix these up like you did last year.

Ringo · December 19, 2016, 09:15:22 AM

A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: "Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas."

Santa writes back, "Dear Timmy send me me your mommy."

Ringo · December 20, 2016, 10:23:17 AM

A Story is told of Albert Einstein.
One day a man was traveling on a flight seated next to the wise old man.
Einstein said, "This is going to be a long trip, why don't we play a game. I'll ask you a question and if you cannot give me the answer, you pay me $50.
The Man declined, "That's not fair, you're one of the greatest minds in the world."
"Tell you what," said Einstein, "You can then ask me a question, and if I can't answer, I'll give you $500."
The man agrees and so Einstein begins, with an impossible question. Without even blinking, the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out $50 and hands it to Einstein.
"My turn," says the man, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes done with four?"
Einstein thinks for a while and then in resignation hands over $500.
"Ok," says Einstein, "What does goes up a hill, with three legs and comes done with four?"
The remains silent, reaches into his pocket and pulls out another $50 and hands it to Einstein.

Ringo · December 21, 2016, 01:44:54 PM

Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big?
A: He only comes once a year.

Bill Manspeaker · December 21, 2016, 01:50:21 PM

Quote from: Ringo on December 21, 2016, 01:44:54 PM
Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big?
A: He only comes once a year.

it's a wonder why he's so jolly this time'a year

Ringo · December 23, 2016, 10:49:44 AM

The ultimate joke for shopping centres:

Ringo · December 24, 2016, 03:30:09 PM

Ringo · December 24, 2016, 03:33:49 PM

Apologies if this one offends but a final Holiday Period joke slightly crude.

It was Christmas Eve.
A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping.
Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
"What is that?" he asked.
She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!" -