Jokes

[nas]

A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a  Leyland P76, a Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats. Voted for the State Labor Party. hen I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard."

"How am I doing so far?"

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

[nas]

A priest offered a Nun a lift
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

[Ringo]

Seeing this thread has been quiet thought I would another one for today

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know .

Think about it if you do not get it.

[Ringo]

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck. 

[nas]

An old man 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really?  Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

[Ringo]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[Ringo]

An elderly couple are in church.
The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

[nas]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?"
"A rectum stretcher"
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as*hole?" he asked
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

[Ringo]

Love this one from the election aftermath.

For those that do not know Joe Biden is the vice president.

[nas]

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front ofher home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her.  Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
"Hi there, little girl. I'm Donald Trump. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Trump.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," answered Suzy with a smile.

Trump was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognising the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that Trump should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So, the next day Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Trump got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes, sir," Suzy said. "They're Democrats."
Taken by surprise, Trump stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were REPUBLICANS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.  But today, they have their eyes open."

[Ringo]

Q. What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
A. Virgin Mobile.

[nas]

Deer Sur,
           I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the Paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do Sum Acounting 2.
I think I am good on the fone and I am a people Person.Pepole really seam to respond goodly to me.
I'm lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it Kant be 2 Complikaited
My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a Job Bcuz of my persinalety..
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want To pay me and wat you think that I am wurth, I can start imeditely.
Thank you in advanse 4 yore Anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,
             Peggy May McBiggins 
PS : I half includeded a pickture of me.

Dear Peggy May:
Start on Monday, we have spell check.

[Ringo]

I've just finalsied the sale of my homing pigeons on Ebay for the 22nd time.