Jokes

[T Dog]

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"   

::)

[T Dog]

Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you 're not really my type.
4. Maccas? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now , as I have to work in the morning.

[T Dog]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"Guts" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"Balls," is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the bum and having the balls to say, "You're next, fatty!"

[T Dog]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives.
All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
8)

[T Dog]

A mall manager has three spaces to rent, all in a row. A prospective lessee shows up and says he wants to rent the space on the left for a men's wear shop.
"That's fine," the mall manager says. "You get free signage; what do you want on the sign?"
"Men's Wear," says the man.
A second guy comes along and asks to rent the right hand space for his gentleman's formal wear business. When asked he says he wants "Men's Wear" on his sign. The mall manager tells him that the left hand shop will have the same sign. "No problem," says the man.
Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle space. The manager is somewhat concerned because this guy also has a men's wear shop. Warily the manager asks the third man what he wants on his sign.
The guy replies: "Entrance."

[T Dog]

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.   

[T Dog]

Q: What do you call a bunch of rabbits in a row all hopping backwards?









A: A receding hare line
:-\

[T Dog]

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the Butt with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation ?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

::)

[Ringo]

I am no Tdog but seeing there has been no action here for a while thought I would share this
   
" A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly at a recently married couple’s house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked.

    “What are you doing?!” she asked.

    “I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

    “But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

    “This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

    “Love dress? You’re naked!”

    “Jeff loves when I wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”

    On the way home, the mother-in-law thought about the love dress. When she got home, she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

    Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

    “What are you doing?” he asked.

    “This is my love dress,” she replied.

    “Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?”

[Ringo]

"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month."

[Bill Manspeaker]

needs ironing  ;D ;D

[Ringo]

A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too." -

[Ringo]

"A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[nas]

High School teacher.

A mother and her young son were flying Qantas Airlines from Melbourne to Perth.

The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'Why yes she did.'

"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time. Now go back and ask her to explain that to you"?

[Ringo]

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.