Jokes

[T Dog]

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's just something I could really see myself doing.

:)

[T Dog]

Why can't you trust Satan's resume?

The devil lies in the details.  ;D

[T Dog]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job!
8)

[T Dog]

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
and not only that you know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
:o

[T Dog]

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.
The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I flowered your mother."
Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I flowered your mother."
Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I flowered your mother."
At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,
"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."

8)

[T Dog]

There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

8)

[T Dog]

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a hoodie no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time McDonalds closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a pack of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $9.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!   ;D ;D ;D

[T Dog]

A few actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers .

Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

[T Dog]

A man walks in his room after work and is surprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed. After careful examination he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains. He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there.
'Who the hell are you?' he yells.
The naked guy replies 'I'm the moth inspector'
'Oh yeah! what are you doing naked?'
He looks down and exclaims 'Oh my god! I'm too late!'
:)

[T Dog]

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).
When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.
"So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?"
"Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now".
"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"
"Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.
Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.
"And since dat time I gotta do it dis way".
"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?
"Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...
"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"

8)

[T Dog]

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunk with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink. The old drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
"It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
:o

[T Dog]

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

[T Dog]

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like.
The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear.
I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a punch in the nose.
You can probably guess the rest..................... I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

::)

[T Dog]

Why God Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to
    buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

:-\

[T Dog]

I just met a skeleton who was trying tibia little humerus.