Jokes

[Jukes]

This is a good one, very explicit and rude however.

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I suspect my sister is a lesbian...

She never seems to enjoy sucking my cock.

[My Chumps]

This is a good one, very explicit and rude however.

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I suspect my sister is a lesbian...

She never seems to enjoy sucking my cock.

Hahahaha, black humour.

Naste, that joke is a pearler!  ;D

[T Dog]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

[Ziplock]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

Haha! I actually did laugh out loud on that one! Pure gold, the tent one was awesome too!

haha, same thing happened to my grandfather two or three times... which is why he immigrated to australia.

the original italian stallion lol...

lols at the dinner table every time it comes up, my grandmother laughs pretty hard... I think she feels special :P

[Dudge]

Brilliant naste, the light bulb, the tent, and green side up- pi$$ed meself. Only thing is Grazz would probably be the one doin the yelling cause i'm the useless handyman lol. Gold mate :)

[T Dog]

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go to her office.  You'll just be walking down the street and . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . oohh, that's much better.

[T Dog]

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making $2.00 coins.
They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
;D

[Tominator]

This is a good one, very explicit and rude however.

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I suspect my sister is a lesbian...

She never seems to enjoy sucking my cock.

pfft they must be Collingwood supporters    ::)

[Grazz]

Pretty funny naste, Karen had a good chuckle regarding the remote joke, not sure why. ???

[Tominator]

Three nuns die in a car crash and go to heaven. When they arrive at the gates of heaven St Peter is waiting for them there.



The first nun steps up to the gate where St Peter asks... "Who were the first two people that God created?"

The first nun replies... "Adam and Eve"

And St Peter says "OK yep you can go through" and he lets the first nun into heaven.



St Peter then calls up the second nun and he says to her... "Name Adam and Eve's two sons"

The second nun replies... "Cain and Abel"

And St Peter says "OK yep you can go through" and he lets the second nun into heaven



St Peter then calls up the third nun and he says to her... "Because you are the Mother Superior I need to ask you a harder question... What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?"

And the third nun replies... "Oooh that's a hard one"

And St Peter says "OK yep you can go through!"

[T Dog]

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

[Dudge]

Murphy goes to visit his mate Paddy, who has broken his leg. Paddy say's, "mate my feet are freezing, could u go upstairs, and get my slippers " no bother say's Murphy, he runs upstairs, and there are Paddy's two 19 y/o stunning twin daughters, sitting on their beds. Hello dear girls, Murphy say's, your dad has sent me up here to shag both of u. fook off u liar they say. Murphy say's i'll prove it to ya. So he shouts down to Paddy " both of them" ?." Of course" comes the reply " whats the use of fooking one of them"

[T Dog]

Ed came home drunk, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife
and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.

'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ed.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard... "Ed, wake up! You sh!t the bed!"

[Dudge]

What do you do when you're worst enemy is running at you with half a face?,                       




Stop laughing and reload!

[T Dog]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys

I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours  passed and the beers went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the  door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed  another nine times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a  quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible fight with her.
(Even when  totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her  'MIDNIGHT.' She didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away  with that one!

Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, oh, sh*t.
Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, laughed, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted .  8)