Jokes

[T Dog]

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.
After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.
The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.
This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex.
When she climaxed she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head.
Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way you have a lovely home."

:o

[T Dog]

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

[T Dog]

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

:o

[T Dog]

Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds:

Chicken McBobbitts
Salmon McNella
Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal
Shirley McLean Burger
McMenudo
Filet o' Gefilte Fish
Way Too Happy Meal
Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
Them Ain't Nuggets!
McKitty Sandwich
Boutrous Boutrous Burger
Rocky Mountain McOysters
McSpleen
The Depressed Meal
Filet O' Flesh
McShrooms
Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal
McTonya Club Sandwich
Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal

[T Dog]

Two college football players named Bubba and Jed were taking an exam in English Literature. They must pass this exam in order to fulfill the academic requirement. If they fail, they would be dropped from the college varsity team for the whole season.

The exam was relatively easy as it consisted mainly of fill-in-the-blank type of answers. However, Bubba was stumped by one particular item.

The statement read "Complete the nursery phrase ... Ol' MacDonald had a ______." Trying as hard as he could, Bubba could not think of the answer. Seeing the professor was busy reading a book, Bubba took this opportunity to ask his teammate Jed.

"Pssst, Jed," whispered Bubba. "What did Ol' MacDonald have?"

"Gosh, Bubba, that's easy!" said Jed. Looking to make sure the professor wasn't looking, Jed said, "A farm! Bubba! That's what Ol' MacDonald had. Even babies know that!"

"Oh! Right!" nodded Bubba as though it was at the tip of his tongue. But as he proceeded to write down the answer, Bubba stopped to ask Jed again in a low voice.

"Hey, Jed! How do you spell farm?"

"Jeez, you're so dumb, Bubba!" admonished Jed. "Every one knows farm is spelled 'e-i-e-i-o'."

8)

[T Dog]

Can you believe what people do in the church these days?
I was in the church listening to the priest's sermon when I saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church.
I was so amazed that i didn't know when the bottle of scotch I was holding fell on the floor. :(

[T Dog]

“Did you hear the one about the woman who threw her toaster away because it kept burning the bread?
She was black toast intolerant.”

[T Dog]

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

[T Dog]

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills.
They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes, and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."
:)

[T Dog]

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a dollar coin, but I like your thinking!

8)

[T Dog]

If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?

;D

[T Dog]

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,
“I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“You'll know tonight.” he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.
That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled…
“The Meaning of Dreams”

[T Dog]

“The policemen said if I didn't pay my library fine he would have to book me.”

[T Dog]

Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? ....  Nah!  Skip it!

[T Dog]

How the echidna got its name?
The first naturalist who described this egg-laying mammal at a meeting encountered contemptuous disbelief from his colleagues. One of them even said, "'e kiddin' ya"