Jokes

[T Dog]

“Using fish for currency can achieve an economy of scale.”

[T Dog]

Paddy Englishman, Irishman, & Scotsman all go for a job at a pet shop.
The interviewed tells all three that they can have a job if they can sing a song that includes a dog in the lyrics.
The Englishman sings "How much is that doggy in the window"
The Scotsman sings "You ain't nothing but a hound dog"
The Irishman sings "Strangers in the night....Scooby doo be doo be doo"

[T Dog]

I've just been offered eight legs of venison for $40.00


Is that two deer?  :o

[T Dog]

Its Friday and I have been thinking about the big issues  8)

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

[T Dog]

"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs."

[T Dog]

You think when gym teachers are younger, they are thinking, You know I want to teach, but I don't want to read?

[T Dog]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating ,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

8) Fossils Rule  ;D

[T Dog]

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

[T Dog]

A few things to do before the season starts:  ;D

1) Look through a window and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
2) Bring a big chair into the lift facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away.
4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now.
5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.
6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it.
7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream.
8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it.
9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go."
10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato.
11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to KFC.
12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO!
13) Place a desk outside a lift. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment.
14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple.
15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's.
16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by.
17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "darn my snake got loose again".
18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away.
19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!!
20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"

8)

[T Dog]

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?  :o

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a n*dist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.   :o

[T Dog]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of petrol," the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed, "What did you put in my pettrol tank?"
"BP."

[T Dog]

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

[T Dog]

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the
job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback
overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.

:-\

[T Dog]

A woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $180 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

[T Dog]

Rejection is all about who you no.