Jokes

[T Dog]

A girl at work text me saying 'Your cute.'

I text her back saying 'No you're cute.'

Now she thinks I like her, all I did was point out her flowering typo.

>:(

[T Dog]

The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.

8)

[nrich102]

When would a West Indian cricketer have 100 runs to his name?
When he's bowling.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire South African innings.

[fanTCfool]

In school, the teacher asked Johnny to spell "bowling". Back came the answer : "B-o-e-l-i-n." "That," said the teacher, "is the worst spell of bowling I've ever seen."

[fanTCfool]

A man visits the doctor. "You've got to help me," he said. "I think I'm a cricket ball." "How's that?" the doctor replied.
The man scowled. "Oh no, don't you start ..."

[T Dog]

I was given some Sudoku toilet paper.
It didn’t work.
You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s

[T Dog]

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

;D

[enzedder]

A primary school teacher asked little Johnny to spell "Sand"
Johnny replied "S-A-N-D" miss.
"Well done Johnny, that's correct!" she replied.
Next she turns little Janey and asks her to spell "Pit"
Jane confidently spells out "P-I-T"
"That's fantastic Jane, absolutely right."
Then the teacher turns her attention to the only Maori boy in class and says, "Rangi, how do you spell Racial Vilification?"

[T Dog]

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

:o

[T Dog]

 "My cat is recovering from a massive stroke."

[T Dog]

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?

ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."

Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

;D

[T Dog]

 few thoughts to digest  ;D

Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Sometimes I think we are alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we are not. In either case, the thought is quite staggering.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.

Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman.

And in all cases of my fantasy teams   8)
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.

[T Dog]

Somebody punctuated me in the face, and I ended up in a comma.

[T Dog]

An old man went to a beach and say a sexy girl in a bikini. he went up to her and asked her"can i feel your sexy, juicy boobs?"
The girl said, "no way, get away from me old man."
the guy said," twenty dollars?"
"no"
"one hundred dollars?"
"no"
"two hundred dollars?"
"no"
"five hundred dollars?"
the girl thought, what harm can it do? "sure"
the girl loosened her bikini and the man slipped his hand in her bikini.
while feeling her sexy, juicy boobs, the guy said, "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD"
the girl said,"why do you keep saying OH MY GOD?
while continuing feeling her sexy, juicy boobs, he said "OH MY GOD, where am i going to get five hundred dollars?"

[T Dog]

“I just story a car!” = Grand Theft Autocorrect.