Jokes

[nas]

Grazz walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies very interested in me â€" they're constantly calling, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Grazz happily gets up to leave. ”By the way,” asks the boss as Grazz is getting up, “which three companies keep calling you?” "If you must know," says Grazz, "It's the electric company, water company, and phone company."

[nas]

For Elle
Why do Ducks have web feet? To stamp out fires...... Why do Elephants have round feet? To stamp out flaming Ducks...

[Tominator]

A man walks into a bar

it knocks him to the floor...

[T Dog]

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Mourning?."
He said, "No, just taking a poo."

[henry]

Alright, time for my contribution.

A woman was tragically ina severe car crash and so was in hospital in a critical condition. When examining her a nurse inadvertently touches her breasts, and as a result the heart rate monitor suddenly spikes. After pondering this, she calls in the woman's husband. "I'm afraid it's not good news" she said, "your wife's in a critical condition". After explaining what occurred, she tells the man that some oral sex may give her heart the boost that she needs. The nurse leaves, giving the couple some privacy. After a while she comes back, she sees the woman's heart was flat lining and her husband distraught. "What happened?" she asked. The husband through his sobs explained that "she must have choked"   

[T Dog]

 A piece of strong walks into a bar " Can i have a pint of bitter he says?"
Bar man" Wtf are you?!"
String "Well im a piece of string of course"
Bar man" **** off, we dont serve string here"

So the string goes outside all upset , and decided to wait an hour and try again;

String: "Hi, erm, can i have a pint of bitter please?"
Barman " Your that same piece of string from before arn't you! go on **** off"

So the string goes outside, and decides to ruffle up his hair, and tie himself up abit, then trys again...

" Hi, can i have a pint of bitter please?"
Barman: "Your that same piece of string from before arn't you!"
String: "No sorry, Im afrayed knot!"


;D ;D ;D ;D

[T Dog]

A duck and a chicken were at the side of the road. The duck was about to cross when the chicken said "Dont do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it"

[T Dog]

If you have a green ball in the left hand and a green ball in the right. What do you have?
Kermit the frog’s undivided attention..... :o

[CrowsFan]

If you have a green ball in the left hand and a green ball in the right. What do you have?
Kermit the frog’s undivided attention..... :o

What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit's finger ;)

[Purple 77]

A piece of strong walks into a bar " Can i have a pint of bitter he says?"
Bar man" Wtf are you?!"
String "Well im a piece of string of course"
Bar man" **** off, we dont serve string here"

So the string goes outside all upset , and decided to wait an hour and try again;

String: "Hi, erm, can i have a pint of bitter please?"
Barman " Your that same piece of string from before arn't you! go on **** off"

So the string goes outside, and decides to ruffle up his hair, and tie himself up abit, then trys again...

" Hi, can i have a pint of bitter please?"
Barman: "Your that same piece of string from before arn't you!"
String: "No sorry, Im afrayed knot!"


;D ;D ;D ;D

That is possibly the worst hence the best joke I have ever heard  ;D

[CrowsFan]

Worst joke I have ever heard is this...

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea â€" one called Justin & the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”

A large mysterious cod appeared & said, “Your wish is granted” & lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked.

“He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark”,came the reply.

Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set off to Christian’s abode.

As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again.”

Christian replied,”No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, & I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”

Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed….
I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Christian.”

[T Dog]

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left â€"phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple, It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is"

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer, Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a fookin clock!"

[T Dog]

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the mud, then cross the road again?

Because he was a dirty double crossing chicken!

[Purple 77]

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the mud, then cross the road again?

Because he was a dirty double crossing chicken!

LOL!

I like that one  ;D

[T Dog]

A parrot walks into a bar and says can i have a pot? The barman says no we dont serve parrots. The next day the parrot goes in and asks for another pot and gets the same response. Then by the fifth time the barman says if you come in and ask one more time i'm gonna nail you to that door. So the next day the parrot walks in and says have you got any nails and the barman replies no, so the parrot says i'll have a pot then please
  ;D