Jokes

[T Dog]

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b*tch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's b*tch."

[T Dog]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.
"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running."

[T Dog]

The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is:

-- Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her
-- Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in
-- Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it.
-- Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says "Aren't you getting in?"

[T Dog]

A young Irish man goes to a chemist and says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is £4.99 including tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked Irish man says. "Don't they stay on by themselves?"

::)

[T Dog]

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

;D

[T Dog]

“Buzz Lightyear was following a Japanese luxury car on the highway.
When he pulled around to pass, he shouted, "To Infiniti and beyond."”


Life is too short to be serious all the time.  So if you can't laugh at yourself, call me and i will laugh at you.


How many puns until you are afraid of puns?
A: Approx. one pun-dread.

[T Dog]

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

[T Dog]

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."
Mortician: "How can you tell?"
Al: "George had two assholes."
Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"
Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"
;D

[T Dog]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
::)

[T Dog]

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

[T Dog]

5 Stages of Being Drunk

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.

You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.

At this stage you are always RIGHT.

And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.

This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.

You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.

Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.

You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.

You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.

It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.

You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.

This is because nothing can hurt you.

At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.

You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.

At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.

You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.

You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

[T Dog]

Q: What do you call a dead atheist?
A: Someone all dressed up with nowhere to go!

[T Dog]

A man and his wife, moved back home to South Australia, from Tasmania. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Tassie was $2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in South Australia, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insure the leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in South Australia to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Tassie!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.

[T Dog]

“I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.”

[T Dog]

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"