Jokes

[T Dog]

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” â€" answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” â€" asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” â€" says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” â€" asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” â€" asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

[T Dog]

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
My son was born on St George’s Day,“ commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George”
“That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot. “My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.”
“That’s incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.”

[T Dog]

Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam.   ;D

[T Dog]

Business One-liners


The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analysis.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.

::)

[T Dog]

A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia. “Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath. “Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.” “OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?” “Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.” When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call. “How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.” “Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!”

[T Dog]

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty ba*&ards.

[T Dog]

A few short comments during a lull  8)


There are plenty of fish in the sea but until I catch one I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.   My next crap could spell disaster.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

After kissing a girl in back of the gym for several hours I said, "You know, this isn't working out."

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.

I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I'm outstanding.

I just realised that I haven't done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

Have you seen the movie Constipation? Oh yeah that's right, it hasn't come out yet!

I'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?

When you're walking into the loo you're Australian.
When you're walking out of the loo you're Australian.
What are you when you're inside the loo?
European.

8)

[T Dog]

I just gave the jogger an appreciative nod.
In that moment we had a special connection, a connection shared by those that brave the elements for the benefit of their bodies.

At least that's what I figured while I stood there and finished my cigarette.

[T Dog]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

[Ringo]

The trouble with voice recognition is you never quite get what you nintendo

[T Dog]

A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused.
After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, "How is she?"
The nurse replied, "Oh, she's quite dopey."
One of the friends said, "We know that, but how is she health wise?"

[T Dog]

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

[T Dog]

Lightbulb Joke Collection


Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.

Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate.

Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."

Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ...
"
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.

Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.

Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.

Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.

8)

[T Dog]

A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, "Say It With Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."
8)

I'm not a complete idiot….Some parts are missing.

::)

[T Dog]

“The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.”  ;D

"A public toilet, aka an IP address."  :o