Jokes

[T Dog]

I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!

[T Dog]

Sir Lancelot once had a very bad dream about his horse. It was a knight mare.

[T Dog]

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''
The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay here with you.''

[Bill Manspeaker]

lmao gold Dawg


think this one has already been posted


A patient goes to see his doctor.

Patient: I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home.

Doctor: Sounds like a case of Tom Jones syndrome.

Patient: Is that common?

Doctor: It's not unusual.

[T Dog]

Keep posting them Billy M   ;D


A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

[T Dog]

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

No seriously though....

What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer?
One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.

[T Dog]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[T Dog]

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!”
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?”

“Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.”

He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

“What?” she shouts.

Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!”

[T Dog]

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."

[T Dog]

I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.

[T Dog]

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman

She’s a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo’s fiancee

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe- Jackie Mason

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. â€" Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.- Mae West

[T Dog]

Speaking ill of the dead is a grave mistake.

[T Dog]

A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.

[T Dog]

The minister was on the golf course when he heard a duffer, deep in a sand trap, let loose a stream of profanity.
“I have often noticed,” chided the minister, “that the best golfers are not addicted to the use of foul language.”

“Of course not,” screamed the man. “What do they have to swear about?"

[T Dog]

A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.