Jokes

[T Dog]

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog.

It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."

She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like all the barking!"

[T Dog]

Have you got bills to pay?

If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald.

[T Dog]

What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail?

Wherewolf  ::)

[T Dog]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, A resounding noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man "shower!, that must be my husband!"

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, Smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, Then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman "I'm your husband, you slut!!!"

So the woman answers:- "Oh, yeah?!! And why were you running?!! You S.O.B !!!"

[T Dog]

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?


A pachydermatologist.

[Ringo]

AFL Injuries this year - probably should be serious though

[T Dog]

Corduroy pillows are making headlines

[T Dog]

This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.

An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “shower!”. The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”. “Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.

[T Dog]

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.  The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand.  "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.  Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next.  "My dad owns a farm too.  Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.  Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny.  "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.  He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.  On the way down, he drank the case of beer.  Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.  He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!  So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.  Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked.  After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't flower with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

[upthemaidens]

 My mate is addicted to brake fluid,  it's ok though because he can stop at any time.

[T Dog]

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; “Don’t reject the guy outright.”
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.” The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says “No problem!! I buy. I buy.”

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.” The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build, I build.”

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.” The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he’s uttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, and looking really sad, says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”
:o

[GoLions]

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.  The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand.  "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.  Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next.  "My dad owns a farm too.  Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.  Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny.  "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.  He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.  On the way down, he drank the case of beer.  Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.  He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!  So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.  Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked.  After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't flower with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; “Don’t reject the guy outright.”
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.” The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says “No problem!! I buy. I buy.”

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.” The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build, I build.”

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.” The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he’s uttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, and looking really sad, says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”
:o

Both of these were absolute gold hahaha ;D

[T Dog]

Thanks GL.

[Spite]

Great jokes today Tdog, loved them

[T Dog]

10 Facts About You:

1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.