Jokes

[T Dog]

I predict that in the future, Youtube,Twitter, and Facebook will merge to create one super time-wasting site called YouTwitFace.
;D

[T Dog]

 A gorgeous blonde was sitting at a bar when a very short guy walks up to her.

"Hi," he says. "I'm a leprechaun and I'm in a wonderful mood today. I'm going to grant three wishes for you."

"Hey, that's great! For my first wish I'd like a million dollars," she said.

The leprechaun waves his arms and says "Done. In the trunk of your car is a suitcase with one million dollars in it. What is your second wish?"

"For my second wish I'd like a fancy apartment on Fifth Avenue."

The leprechaun waves his arms again and says, "It's yours, and I even threw in the furnishings. Now, for your final wish."

The blonde replies, "I want a boyfriend who looks like a Greek god and is hung like a horse!"

"Done!" says the leprechaun. "He is waiting for you in the bed at your new apartment."

"Wow!! This was so nice of you! I've got to go see him right away!" and she jumps up from the bar stool.

"Hey, wait a minute!" the leprechaun says. Don't you think you owe me a small favor in return for everything I've given you?"

"Well...ok. What did you have in mind?" she asks.

"I think some oral sex would be a fair trade."

The blonde agrees, so they go over to a dark corner in the bar and she accomodates him. Afterwards, he says "By the way...how old are you, anyway?"

"I'm 25. Why do you ask?"

He replies, "You mean to tell me you are 25 years old and you still believe in leprechauns?"

[T Dog]

  Arrested for laughing

This is from an actual trial in the UK.  :o

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her,she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more.

She filed a court case on him.

In the court the man said to judge in his defence was:
When the lady boarded the bus,I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement,which read "Coming Soon- The unknown boon"..
I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement,Which read:- "William's stick did the trick"..

Then I could not control myself any longer,

When on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident"..

The case was dismissed.

The judge fell off his chair laughing !

8)

[T Dog]

When my boss told me this is the fifth time I'm late, I smiled and thought to myself, it's Friday!

I do not like work even when someone else does it.

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

A healthy nap not only makes me feel better, it also shortens the workday.

I work well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

[T Dog]

An idiot is  a person who tries to explain his ideas  in such a strange and long way that another person  who is listening to him can't understand him.

Do you  understand me?

[T Dog]

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

[T Dog]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

[upthemaidens]

 "My fantasy teams"          ....A real joke  >:(

[T Dog]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”

To which the blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. “Why don’t you go home for the day. We aren’t terribly busy, just take the day off to relax and rest.”

The blonde very calmly states, “No, I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything just let me know.”

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, “What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?”

“No”, exclaims the blonde, “I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!”

[T Dog]

What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.

;D

[T Dog]

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nods.

“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

[T Dog]

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

[T Dog]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.

[T Dog]

I thought of becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.

[T Dog]

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker’s technical support line for assistance…

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There’s smoke coming from the power supply on my computer…

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply…

Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files…

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it…

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command…

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician’s efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…

Technician: I’m sorry. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there’s an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem…

Customer: I knew it!

Technician: Just add the line ‘LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE’ at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes…

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…

Customer: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking…

Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Customer: MS-DOS 6.22…

Technician: Well, that’s your problem. That version of DOS doesn’t include NOSMOKE. You’ll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out…

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…

Customer: I need a new power supply…

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply…

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE...