Jokes

[T Dog]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.   ::)

[T Dog]

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

[T Dog]

The Best Ways To Annoy People In An Elevator

1.Make race car noises when people get on and off.

2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3.Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"

4.Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5.Sell Girl Scout Cookies.

6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7.Shave.

8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.

10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"

13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."

14.One word: Flatulence!

15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16.Do Tai Chi exercises.

17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."

18.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, d*mn motion sickness!"

19.Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20.Meow occasionally.

21.Bet the other passengers you can fit dollar coin in your nose.

22.Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"

23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24.Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.

25.Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.

26.Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

27.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28.Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"

29.Leave a box between the doors.

30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31.Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.

32.Start a sing-along.

33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

34.Play the accordion.

35.Shadow box.

36.Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

37.Lean against the button panel.

38.Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.

39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41.Bring a chair along.

42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"

43.Blow spit bubbles.

44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

46.Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.

47.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."

50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH"
8)

[T Dog]

A study recently concluded that licking the sweat from frogs can cure depression.


The bad news is that when you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again.

8)

[T Dog]

I went to the doctors the this morning and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.   >:(

[T Dog]

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

[T Dog]

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

[RobsOverAchieverss]

why was the tomato blushing?

it saw the salad dressing.

[T Dog]

What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.

[T Dog]

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Go Pies Go Hard ;D

[T Dog]

2 Blondes having lunch on a park bench one sunny day when 1 blonde goes to the other 1 "lets play a game....if you can guess how many sandwiches I have in my lunch box I will give you the both of them"

[GoLions]

2 Blondes having lunch on a park bench one sunny day when 1 blonde goes to the other 1 "lets play a game....if you can guess how many sandwiches I have in my lunch box I will give you the both of them"

hahahahahaha

[T Dog]

A young fellow became marooned on a deserted South Pacific island after his cruise ship sank. For several years, he managed to live on fruits and vegetables he found on the island, together with shellfish and an occasional fish he was able to catch.

Then, one day as he was sitting on the beach, he saw an object approaching the island. As it got closer, he could see that it was a woman astride a barrel. When she finally managed to paddle the barrel ashore, he ran over to greet her, and noticed that she was a beautiful girl.

"Wow," he exclaimed, "I'm sure glad to see you!"

Noticing that his clothes were gone and he had quite a beard, she asked, "My goodness, how long have you been here by yourself?"

"Almost four years, I think" he replied.

She said "Well, I'm going to give you something you haven't had in a long time, and I'm sure you have missed."

"Well, hot damn!" he exclaimed, "Have you got beer in that barrel?"

[T Dog]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.

The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.

"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

[T Dog]

When a clock is still hungry, it goes back four seconds.


A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.


A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8)