Jokes

[T Dog]

What did the blonde take to the super bowl?

A spoon!

8)

[T Dog]

How about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.

:o

[T Dog]

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

[T Dog]

Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shower Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee everyone would be evacuating like they need to.

[T Dog]

What's the motto of the ghoul's convention? The morgue the merrier.

[T Dog]

 Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

:o

[T Dog]

There are two rules for success:

1.) Don't tell all you know.

[T Dog]

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

[T Dog]

Are we just saying these things to put the other person at ease?

1. I’ll be there in 5 minutes!
Meaning: I’m running late, I should take approximately 20-30 minutes. I’m not telling you the approximate time because I know you’ll freak out.

2. I’ve been waiting an hour!
Meaning: I have actually waited 5 to 10 minutes. I’m putting emphasis on an hour so you feel guilty for wasting my time.

3. I should be home soon
Meaning: I’m still in office/wherever I am. I have no idea when I’m reaching home.

4. I’m fine. How are you?
Meaning: I’m not fine and I know you don’t give a damn so I’m not going to bother telling you the details. I really don’t care how you are; it’s just social convention after all.

5. It should be ready by this evening
Meaning: I’m being optimistic here so I don’t lose your trust. In all honesty I have no clue when I can get this work done.

6. Actually, that can’t be done
Meaning: Hell No! In Indian culture we are taught to make negative statements with a spoonful of sugar.

7. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call
Meaning: I’m just being polite, chances are I won’t remember who you are when you call.

8. Don’t worry, I’ll talk with a few people and see what they can do
Meaning: You really need to calm down right now; I’m not a genie with a magic lamp.

8)

[T Dog]

What is the difference between a frog and a cat?

A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.

[T Dog]

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."
8)

[T Dog]

It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.


Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

8)

[T Dog]

ome newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

[T Dog]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[T Dog]

I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.