Jokes

[T Dog]

The parish was very poor and the priest tried everything he could to raise money. But the Bingo games didn't work, the spaghetti dinners & pancake breakfasts didn't work, he even tried raffling an old Ford and that didn't help. So the priest though of trying out horse racing. He went to a horse auction and saw that the good horses were way too expensive for a poor parish, so he settled on a little donkey that was standing in the corner.

He was a man of God, he had faith, and ran the donkey. It came in third. There was a little headline in the Racing Form next morning, PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS.

The next race the donkey won, and the headline read, PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The bishop of the diocese said that the priest had better stop racing the donkey so the church could avoid bad publicity. The next days headline read BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS and the bishop was livid! He sent a message to stop racing NOW, get rid of the donkey, didn't even want the beast at the rectory.

So the priest gave the donkey to the mother superior of the convent down the road. The headline read NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN and the bishop passed out in his cornflakes.

The nun was so torn up with guilt that she sold the donkey to a farmer just outside town. The headline read NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS. They buried the bishop the next day.
  ;D

[T Dog]

The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.

[shaker]

Young boy hated getting picked up from school every day when he hopped into the car it would be give us kiss , not in front of my mates he would say and he thought to himself I know how to fix this .

The next day when hopped into the car give us a kiss and he slipped the tongue in and that was the last time dad ever picked him up from school .

[T Dog]

Economist: A discount fog.   :o

[T Dog]

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
::)

[T Dog]

I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.

[T Dog]

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

[T Dog]

My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.

[T Dog]

The human jawbone of the first known human found in Ethiopia has been confirmed as a female and not a male. When asked how they could be so sure a spokesman said,

"It was open. "

:o

[T Dog]

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

[T Dog]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and, so easy to see happening - customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past December, and the bank billed her for January and February for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member: I am calling to tell you she died back in January.

Citibank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.

Family Member: Maybe you should turn it over to collections.

Citibank: Since it is two months past due, it already has been.

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?

Citibank: Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!

Family Member: Do you think God will be mad at her?

Citibank: Excuse me?

Family Member: Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?

Citibank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.

Citibank: The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.

Family Member: You mean you want to collect from her estate?

Citibank: (Stammer) Are you her lawyer?

Family Member: No, I'm her great nephew. (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: Could you fax us a certificate of death?

Family Member: Sure. (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax:
Citibank: Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.

Family Member: Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.

Citibank: Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.

(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: Would you like her new billing address?

Citibank: That might help....

Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.

Citibank: Sir, that's a cemetery!
Family Member: And what do you do with dead people on your planet???

;D

[T Dog]

Girls who don't get asked out as often as their friends could feel out-dated

[T Dog]

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some of these sayings:

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating barbie!"

;D

[nrich102]

My friends bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast


A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy

;D

[nas]

Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in South Australia, when Anne yells at him to stop the car. Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was laying in the road. She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.

Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

DAVE SAYS, "OKAY, GET IN THE CAR WITH IT."
"WHERE SHALL I PUT IT TO KEEP IT WARM?
"PUT IT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS. IT OUGHT TO BE NICE AND WARM THERE."
ANNE SAYS, "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SMELL?"
"JUST HOLD HIS LITTLE NOSE."