Jokes

[Ringo]

Did not know where to post this but is well worth a read:

http://nowhiring.com.au/591555+job+prime+minister+of+australia+act.aspx

[T Dog]

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

[T Dog]

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere." ::)

[T Dog]

For Toro Doc   ;D


Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference held in his hometown. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.

As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"

Dr. Drobkin replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him, "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Drobkin replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?"


;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[T Dog]

Two high school students are digging a ditch in the hot summer and they're complaining about it non-stop.
"Sheesh, this is hard work. I hate this job!"
"Yeah. How come we're down here working our asses off, and the foreman is up there sitting under a shady tree with a cool drink, and making 3 times as much as us? It's not fair!"
"That's it! I'm sick of this! I'm gonna go ask him!"
So the guy climbs out of the ditch and goes up to the foreman under the shady tree.
"How come we're down there working our asses off in the burning hot sun, while you sit up here under this shady tree with a cool drink?"
The foreman says, "Well, it comes down to one word: Intelligence."
"Whaddya mean, intelligence? You calling me stupid!?"
"Well, here. Let me show you."
So the foreman holds his hand up against the tree and says, "Punch my hand as hard as you can."
The guy figures, now's my chance for some payback! He winds up and swings at the foreman's hand as hard as he can, but at the last moment, the foreman yanks his hand away. The guy nearly breaks his hand smashing it against the tree.
"See what I mean?" the foreman says. "Intelligence."
"Alright. I get it." And he goes back to work with his hand throbbing in pain.
His buddy in the ditch asks him, "So whad he say?"
"He said we're slaving away down here because of intelligence!"
"Intelligence!? Is he calling us stupid!? What does he mean by that!?"
His buddy says, "Well here, let me show you."
Seeing no tree around, he holds up his hand in front of his face. "Take your shovel and hit my hand..."
8)

[T Dog]

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

[T Dog]

I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.  8)

[T Dog]

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.  ;)

[nrich102]

I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.

I dropped out of communism class due to bad Marx.

;D

[T Dog]

The other day, someone called me an oxymoron.

I was raging calm.   >:( ;D

[T Dog]

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of chaps saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing.  :)

[T Dog]

Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.

I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.

What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.

8)

[T Dog]

Why do ENGINEERING students always prefer local author books than REFERENCE books???

The local author says:
'Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after'.

And REFERENCE BOOK says:
'2 humans ascended a certain geological protuberance to collect hydride of oxygen whose quantity is not specified. One member Jack, of rapid irregular disturbing movements encounters fatal logical gravitational error leading to complete disarray. Other member named Jill whose scope lies within disarray, descends down the geographical protuberance at an acceleration, whose magnitude is controlled by the force of gravity.' !!!

8)

[T Dog]

They arrested the monkey for throwing Rhesus feces at zoo attendants.   His charge? Turd debris assault   ;D


think about it  ;)

[T Dog]

Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed.

"Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent."

So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand."

They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," his buddy says, "That's my old one!".

:o