Jokes

[T Dog]

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

[T Dog]

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
:o

[T Dog]

There is a story about monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several 100 feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket, which was pulled to the top by several monks, who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous when he was half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they change the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

::)

[T Dog]

Did you hear about the blonde that called you for your phone number?    ;D

[T Dog]

Law of equality:
The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 minutes is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll call you in 5 minutes!

Law of Queue:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Bath Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
People with the seats at the farthest from the entry arrive last.

Law of Proposal:
After you accept a proposal you will get a better one...

Law of getting late:
When you reach early for something it will never start on time.

8)

[T Dog]

Two southern ladies are sitting at the country club by the pool. The first southern lady says, "When I had my first child, my husband bought me a diamond ring." The second lady says, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first lady says, "When my second child was born, my husband took me on a cruise." The second lady says, ''well isn't that nice The first lady continues, "When my third child was born, my husband took me on a trip around the world." And the second lady says, once again, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first lady asks, "Well, what did your husband get you when your first child was born?" The second lady repiles, "My husband sent me to finishing school." The first lady asks, "Well why did he do that?" And the second lady says, "So I could learn to say ‘Well isn't that nice,’ instead of ‘F**K YOU’!"

::)

[T Dog]

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

[T Dog]

Newsflash  :o

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

[T Dog]

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
8)

[T Dog]

Ancient orators tended to Babylon.   ;D

[T Dog]

MODERN LOVE LETTER

Dearest Samantha,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 13th of January 2015.

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of January 2015 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely, Max



MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER

Dear Max,

Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.

However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.

I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.

Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.

Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.

Please also note that my sister is happily employed.

Yours perhaps, Samantha!

8)

[T Dog]

I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.

[T Dog]

Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.   ;D

[T Dog]

At risk of offending fellow fossils out there......


Why do bald men have holes in there pockets???



So they can run their fingers through their hair  ::)

[T Dog]

These four classified ads appeared in a Gujarati newspaper on four Consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY:
For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 92555-00707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read - 'One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Mani, who lives with him after 7PM.'

WEDNESDAY:
Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the Classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: 'For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 92555-00707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.'

THURSDAY:
Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 92555-00707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.

8)