Jokes

[T Dog]

sorted.. :-[

[Dudge]

A father and his son go to a bar. His poor unfortunate son was born as just a head- nothing below his neck. ( It was his sons 18th) Dad buys his son a beer and gives him a drink- BAM two arms appear, son says look dad i got arms, i got arms. Dad is the happiest man on earth, he can't beleive it. He buys his lad another beer, and BAM, a body appears. Son sceams in joy, look dad i got a body. His dad can't beleive it  again, He buys his son another beer BAM two legs appear. The son is hysterical with joy, he jumps off the bar, runs outside cheering, crosses the road and bang, a semi cleans him up and he's toast. The moral of the story is - quit while you're a head

[T Dog]

Collingwood Fan in Heaven


A Collingwood fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Collingwood jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a St.Kilda scarf.

"Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Collingwood fans in heaven."

"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard. No Collingwood fans."

"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Collingwood supporter.

"Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"

"Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa."

"Oh," says St Peter. "Anything else?"

"Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless.

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans. "Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."

Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.

Here's your sixty bucks back, now rack off."

[Tominator]

nice tdog

[T Dog]

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00. So they spent the night together. In the morning before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he sent a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a note:


**********************
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had be previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply.....

****************************
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord. I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture.

[T Dog]

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told
him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her
a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he
called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that
they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing
the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer,
he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

[T Dog]

A Collingwood supporter walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

"$25 for the rat, $100 for the story", replies the man.

"Forget the story" says the magpie supporter, and so buys the rat for 25 bucks. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 metres when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....

"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"

"Screw the story - do you have a brass West Coast fan?"

[elephants]

A Collingwood supporter walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

"$25 for the rat, $100 for the story", replies the man.

"Forget the story" says the magpie supporter, and so buys the rat for 25 bucks. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 metres when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....

"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"

"Screw the story - do you have a brass West Coast fan?"

Hahaha not bad. Could have substituted any sporting team in there though :P

[T Dog]

Yeh, should have gone Carlton over West Coast fan..lol.. :o

[T Dog]

The World's Easiest Quiz (not)

Have a pop at what immediately appears to be the world's easiest quiz. To pass, you need five correct answers (answers at the bottom of the page):


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?


Answers below...















And here are the answers:
1) (How long did the Hundred Years War last?) 116 years
2) (Which country makes Panama hats?) Ecuador
3) (From which animal do we get catgut?) Sheep and Horses
4) (In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?) November
5) (What is a camel's hair brush made of?) Squirrel fur
6) (The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?) Dogs
7) (What was King George VI's first name?) Albert
8) (What colour is a purple finch?) Crimson
9) (Where are Chinese gooseberries from?) New Zealand
10) (What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?) Orange, of course

[BB67th]

lol I got 2 answers right on that.

[SydneyRox]

Hilarious Tdog - that quiz had me in stiches!!

[Spite]

i got 3 right but should have got 4 (didn't think of it straight away :( ) that was one hard quiz!!!

[Jukes]

Here's a brilliant joke;

How do you know when your sister is on her period?

Your dad's c*** tastes like blood.

Way too far but made me lol

[T Dog]

A few quickies

1.A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

2.  ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shtzu.''

3.  ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

4.  A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''