Jokes

[T Dog]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story is:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[T Dog]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I used to work for a blanket factory, but the company folded. Then I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I tried to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing. Last few weeks  I was Santa's little helper but got depressed. I have low elf esteem  ::)

[T Dog]

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

[T Dog]

Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar. It was tense.

[T Dog]

In Korea, when a patient is taken to hospital, a white wristband is placed on their left arm. These wristbands contain the patient's name and information. When a patient dies, a red wristband is placed on their right arm and they are taken to the morgue.

In one particular hospital in Korea, a young doctor was working the night shift. It was around 2 AM when he finished his last operation. He was on the 5th floor and pressed the button for the elevator. The doctor was tired after a long day and was looking forward to the end of his shift. At 2 AM, the hospital was very quiet. Most of the patients were asleep and many of the nurses had already gone home. He entered the elevator and there was just one other person there. He casually chatted with the woman while the elevator descended.

The elevator stopped at the basement and the door opened. They saw an old man dressed in a white gown standing there. The old man was about to get in when the doctor suddenly slammed the close button and punched the button for the 5th floor.

"Why did you do that?" asked the astonished woman.

"I've performed a lot of operations," replied the doctor. "I've seen a lot of people die. When a patient dies, they get a red wristband placed on their arm."

The woman was silent.

"You saw it, didn't you?" said the doctor.

"That old man... That old man had a red wristband on his arm."

"A red wristband....!!!!" said the woman as she raised her right arm. "You mean like this one ?"
:o

[T Dog]

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

[T Dog]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

[T Dog]

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

[T Dog]

This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy."

think about it  ::)

[R.Griffen]

Renegades top order  ;)

[Nige]

A cop is sitting in his usual speed trap spot and sees a truck drive by with the back full of penguins. He is understandably perplexed so he pulls the truck over.

"Excuse me sir, but why do you have all those penguins in the back of your truck?"

"I'm sorry officer, but I just don't know what to do with them!"

Incredulous, the officer responds, "take them to the zoo!"

The driver thanks the officer and drives off. The next day the cop is in the same spot and dang-it-all if that same truck doesn't drive by again, but this time the penguins are all wearing sunglasses. The frustrated cop again pulls the truck over.

"I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

"I did officer, today we're going to the beach!"

[T Dog]

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

[T Dog]

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t."

[T Dog]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.

[T Dog]

I was going to tell you a joke about infinity, but it didn't have an ending!