Jokes

[T Dog]

1.) What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

2.) Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

3.) Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said, "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home.

4.) What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them.

5.) What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

6.) Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
8)

[T Dog]

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the 3 times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!)

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap,
while the man was trying to ask why?

She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.

The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, junior said "the number you are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment. Please Try Again Later".

[Dudge]

Modern times  :)

Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relationship - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Much Less

8)

Our abandon soldier - Whatlez :o

[T Dog]

Two blondes are walking down the street. One blonde finds a little mirror, looks in it, again and again. Puzzled, she says to her friend, "I just know I've seen this face before!"
"Give it to me", says the other blonde.
She looks in the mirror and says, "Of course, you silly! It's me!!"

[T Dog]

Original Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MODERN VERSION...

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.


BBC, CNN, EURO-NEWS, Free to Air, FOX NEWS show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Greenpeace and RSPCA stage a demonstration in front of the ant's house.

Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticizes the Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper.

Opposition MP's stage a walkout.

Left parties call for  a Judicial Enquiry. Finally, a Government Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of the winter.


The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by BBC,CNN, Fox and Free to Air

Newspapers call it "a triumph of justice".

Koffi Annan invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly... 8)

[T Dog]

A 21-year-old girl saunters into a prestigious car showroom, looks around all the Porsche's, Ferrari's and Lamborghini's before deciding on a top-end Red Porsche.

"I'll pay cash!" she says and hands over a bagful of Fifties. The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

Two days later she's back, fuming, "I want my money back...it smells awfully bad when I use the brakes."

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the sales-manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she ain't driving it properly'.

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 80 kph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 100 kph, does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate. 130 kph in 4th, 160 in 5th, the engine's roaring like a Lion with toothache, and the car is shuddering as it climbs to 190 kph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in the seat.

In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!), but no, she floors it and the revometer climbs higher. 100 metres from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops cm's from the barrier.

"So, can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT? HONEY, I'M SITTING IN IT!"  ;D

[Ringo]

A Policeman on patrol pulled a motorist over.

He got of the car and said to the driver
" Do you realise that you have 2 snakes on your vehicle"

The driver replied:
"That's all right officer they are my Windscreen Vipers!"

[T Dog]

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

[T Dog]

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told h is HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;

Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours ?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that
I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR = HIGH RISK   ::)

[T Dog]

Lost my House Key now,
What a dog,
Good ballavitch,
No I can't ski now,
Got a bad stitch,
Could be risky,
This looks dangerous,
I better not ski,
HE DID SKI,
And that's gonna be a penalty!
Referee pointing to the spotski.
England players aren't happy about that.
Penalty for the Soceroos to be taken by the Wikid Witch,
Makes no Mistakavitch,
Straight into the back of the netski,
3-Nothing Australia!

"the 12th man"  ;D

[Bill Manspeaker]

lmao ;D

Australia goes on the attack now through diga ditch
good ball for sonof adog
you cantski
i canski                                             
noyou cantski now
nice passski to who canski
gotan itch, little chipavitch over the topavitch, floweroff yadog
GOALAVICH! 1 nothing Australia
floweroff Yadog the scorer
and that's stunned this England side

[T Dog]

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker." :o

[T Dog]

A guy walks into a bar. Sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said,"Hi,there,good looking! How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,"Listen! I'll screw anybody,anytime,anywhere,your place,my place,front door,backdoor,it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college.

I just love it!!!"

Eyes now wide with interest,he responded,"No kidding! I'm a lawyer too!!! What firm are you with?"

[T Dog]

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance..
Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine"
By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr.Smith says, "Well Johnny,it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith faints............ :o

[T Dog]

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $500 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $37,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"
8)