Jokes

[T Dog]

After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to make a telephone call.

Since he didn't want anyone to take his drink, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The World's Strongest Weightlifter," and left it under his glass.

When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with new writing that said:

"Thanks for the treat!"
"The World's Fastest Runner"   8)

[T Dog]

A cabbie picks up a Nun......She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Happy Halloween!  ;D

[T Dog]

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I'll give it a try and see what it tells me.'

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in, out came a card that read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago'

The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same Card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read:
'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a Violin.'

The nun says to herself, 'I know that is wrong, I have never played a musical Instrument even once in my life.' she sat back down.

From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his Violin case on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the Violin, and started playing beautiful music.

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'this is incredible, I've got to try this again.'

Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out.

It read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you are going to Chicago and you are Going to break wind.' now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to Herself, 'I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life.' but getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, 'this is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again'. She went back to the machine, put in another nickel and another card came out.

It read:
'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have played and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago'.

[T Dog]

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

SICKNESS:
No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

DEATH:
Other than your own: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT

[T Dog]

ne day 3 women went to the top of a water flume in a swimming pool. There was a black haired, brown haired, and a blonde haired woman. When they got to the top a genie appeared from nowhere and said "when your going down the flume shout out the on thing that you want and you will land in it at the bottom. So the black haired woman went down and shouted "money" and landed in a load of cash, the brown haired woman went down and shouted "gorgous men!" and landed in a pile of men. The blonde woman wasnt listening to the genie so she went down shouting weeeeeee.
8)

[T Dog]

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another technical problem solved.
8)

[T Dog]

An ant knocks the door of a house. House owner opens the door.

"I want a place to stay", said the Ant ..

"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost", said the owner. The ant went inside and occupied that vacant room.

After some days, the Ant brought in another Ant and requested the owner "Can you please allow this Ant to stay along with me".

"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent" said the owner.

After some days the Ant brought one more Ant and requested the owner to allow that Ant to stay with it. Owner agreed to it without asking for any rent. This continues and Ant brings in one more Ant and owner agrees for it. On one fine day, the Ant brought in the tenth Ant and requested the owner to allow that tenth Ant also to stay with it.

The owner said "Ok, you all can stay here but you need to pay rent".

Now the question is : Why did the owner ask for rent when the tenth Ant came in?
Scroll down for the answer :
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Com'on don't give up... just think, why Rent now ?
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...Because they are now Tenants (Ten ants) !!  ;D

[T Dog]

The person who invented this sentence is either a Vocabulary GENIUS or is
absolutely JOBLESS.

Why?

You'll soon find out !!!

Read the sentence below carefully...

"I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing
handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality
counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications
incomprehensibleness".

This is a sentence where the Nth word is N letters long.

e.g. 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on
:o

[T Dog]

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to Introduce themselves with name and hobby. She said, "Let's start with the boys first."

Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."

Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting.
Well, Ok.

In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John.

Yes next."

Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."

Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of Supporting a friend.

Ok next."

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."

Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."

This continues...

And the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see Bubble in the bathtub."

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."


First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."

Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."

Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."

Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next."

You sweet Girl; Yes you..."

Most beautiful girl of the class gets up:

"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day."

[T Dog]

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. SO...

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the hell do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No flowering way!!

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be showering me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my frigging problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the hell?!?!

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: F**K it. It won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his A*s.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die.

TRY SAYING: So, you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my A*s.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: F**K it! I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your A*s!

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another darned meeting!!!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a frigging pr**k.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting dog.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the hell you're doing.

[T Dog]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning our neighbour James dropped dead on our porch."    :o

[T Dog]

Friday Puns;

What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure).

Without geometry, life is pointless

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

A backwards poet writes inverse.

;D

[T Dog]

A few more

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.

What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

They arrested a man for passing himself off as the comedian named Seinfeld....the charge was playjerism.

What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid

I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.

What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf

Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

[T Dog]

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"    :o

[T Dog]

Modern times  :)

Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relationship - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Much Less

8)